November 2013

1. Chuck Norris has the same ''Synchronsprecher'' as Benjamin Blümchen.
Yes, I am referring to an extremely cute and cuddly cartoon elephant sharing a voice with the Chuck Norris, martial artist, all round hard-core guy and centre of the ''Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice''/ ''Chuck Norris can build a campfire under water''/ ''Chuck Norris once stared at the sun for hours. And then the sun blinked'' etc. jokes.

2. German bureaucracy exists. Believe the rumours. All of them. This month I have spent the majority of my time located somewhere under an extremely large pile of forms. In fact, over the past few weeks it has seemed as if I have been permanently engaged in a particularly intense battle against time: Jenny vs. German bureaucracy. I am yet to establish whether feeling the need to hibernate in order sleep off my form-filling-induced-stress means that I have come out on top of this.

3. It is possible for an English car to fail a ''TüV'' due to the headlamps being the wrong way round. I speak from experience in that doing so is highly stressful, very inconvenient and, in general, just not at all to be recommended, really.

3b. Headlamps are big.

4. After trying to register a car within a 2 hour time gap, I will now rethink before I ever again begin to moan about essay deadlines. For your personal entertainment, I shall expand upon this:
06:30: Alarm goes off.
07:00: Jenny drives to the ''Zulassungsstelle'' to register the car. Arrives 15 minutes too early. Is still not the first person there.
07:30: Jenny gets a ticket with a number on it and plans lessons until said number is called. (Ok, maybe I played a bit of Tetris too, but you get the idea).
07:40: The number on the ticket is called. Jenny produces a pile of papers higher than her (maybe a slight exaggeration, but only slight) and begins to register the car.
08:00: Jenny is asked for the ''Rechnung'' for the car. Despite having every single other document under the sun, she does not have (nor will she ever have) a ''Rechnung'' to prove her second-hand purchase of the car, mainly because, well, she did not purchase the car second-hand. The fact that the car has stayed within the family after its initial purchase appears to cause a bit of a problem.
08:15: It is decided, after a fair bit of debate, that the registration process will be continued. Jenny is happy about this.
08:17: It is discovered that the name on the insurance does not feature the middle name which Jenny's passport does. This is a big problem. Jenny must ring insurance company to request a new insurance number immediately.
08:18: Jenny realises that the insurance company do not open until 09:00.
08:19: Jenny plans to drive to work and finish the registration process the following day. She then realises that this is not possible due to the fact that the car is now no longer registered in England. Jenny realises that she is now, very glamorously, stuck in a car park. Jenny would really quite like some chocolate but this is not a luxury provided by the nearby field, so she settles for a cheese ''Brötchen'' instead.
08:20- 08:50: Jenny rings the insurance company at regular 5 minute intervals and regrets the fact that her iPod headphones/ reading book haven't quite made it to join her in said car park. Jenny people watches.
08:52: Jenny gets a new insurance number. Jenny is happy. Now is the time.
08:53: Jenny runs inside ready to complete registration process.
09:00: After waiting for a while, the registration process continues.
09:15: And continues.
09:30: And continues.
09:35: Jenny attempts to convey a sense of needing to hurry up.
09:36: Jenny selects her number plates. And is VERY EXCITED.
09:37: Jenny has to collect her number plates from nearby shop. This is on a different street. Jenny runs there.
09:40: Jenny arrives at shop and picks up said number plates. Jenny is then told that she was actually supposed to drive there so that the number plates can be put on the car.
09:41: Jenny runs back to the other street and drives back to have the number plates fitted.
09:43: Number plates are fitted and Jenny drives back to the ''Zulassungsstelle''.
09:45: Jenny is told that she has to leave her English number plates at the ''Zulassungsstelle''. This is a concept that confuses her slightly but, for fear of having to fill in another form in order to get them back again, she decides that her English number plates may rather enjoy a change of scene.
09:46: Jenny runs back to car to collect the English number plates.
09:47: Jenny hands in the English number plates and is then informed that the car must be inspected. Jenny isn't particularly chuffed by this concept.
09:48: Jenny and inspector-in-fluorescent-jacket  run to the car and the car is inspected.
09:50: Jenny runs back to the ''Zulassungsstelle'' to pick up any remaining paperwork. There is [surprisingly] none, so Jenny sprints back out to the car park and, not at all stressed, drives to work. 
09:55: Jenny's happy dance is short lived and she, along with her now fully registered car get stuck in traffic.

5. Getting ''Winterreifen'' for an English car in Germany is surprisingly fun. It involved a lot of [rather comical] phone calls to various companies in the area who all seemed to have only 3 of the 4 required tyres in the correct size. These phone calls were rewarded by After Eights, which the mechanic seemed to have been saving for a moment such as the one that he spent stuck with ''die Studentin mit dem englischen Auto''.

6. After having the ''Winterreifen'' put on the car it is normal to be able to keep your old tyres. No, I didn't realise this at the time. Yes, I did thank the mechanic for half an hour for being so kind (I mean, hello, he even gave me a giant carrier bag to put each wheel in, how nice of him was that?!). Oh, Britain, I probably really don't do much to help your reputation, I am sorry.

7. 7's and z's should be crossed horizontally through in the middle.

8. These Year Abroads make you grow up quickly. This month I achieved something no child could dream of: I used Superglue without sticking my fingers together. All by myself. Twice.  

9. How to slice ''Brötchen'' to Weihnachtsmarkt standard and speed. (For future reference: directly through the middle, leaving about 1 inch still attached).

10. Knives used for cutting ''Brötchen'' are sharp.

11. I can think of nothing that defines German efficiency better than the quality of their antifreeze. So far it's hit -4° and no ''kratzen'' has been required. Not even once.

12. ''Apropos'' temperature, it really is a tad chilly here in winter. And, despite my normal mentality of manning-up and whacking on another layer, even I have had to cave to purchasing myself a good, sensible, ''Winterjacke''. Germany, I hope you're proud.

13. The answer was ''Greifzange''. I can now enter/ exit car parks and have the luxury of remaining in the driver's seat whilst doing so (something which has seen me receive applause from colleagues). As surprising as it may be, I really will not particularly miss regularly skewering my knee on the gear-stick.

14. Reversing down 4 storeys of a multi-storey car park is an experience which I would really rather not repeat, thank you very much. (Please note, however: I did manage to do this without plummeting to my death. From now on I will only answer to the name Michael Schumacher).

15. Fiveteen.

16. Big scary matters of administration have snuggly abbreviations, such as ''GeKo'', which, despite sounding like a cute amphibian, actually refers to the rather less snuggly-situation otherwise known as a ''Gesamtkonferenz''.

17. A ''GeKo'' is immediately livened up when games are integrated. Queue a room full of 100+ teachers attempting to count to 3 without saying 1, 2, or 3. Entertainment at its finest.

18. Sherlock and Watson ''Siezen'' each other. Seeing as they're probably the first literary duo that spring to my mind, I found this a tad hard to get my head around.

19. ''Sie'' aka. the polite form of ''you'' isn't as scary as it seems. I would be the first person to admit that I do not have the best relationship with ''Sie''; I know when to use it and how to use it, and even how to conjugate verbs following it, but none of that changes the fact that I would rather exist in that safe-British-haven-of-never-quite-knowing-where-you-stand-with-anyone. HOWEVER, even though it does seem weird using it, the Germans really don't bat an eyelid and, after all, it is just being ''höflich'', which is something we Brits are supposed to be alright at, right?

20. Use the Autobahn. This was something that I had originally intended to avoid doing because it just sounded so big and scary and, ''vor allem'', so fast. Needless to say my avoiding the Autobahn lasted less than a week, and I realised that I was just going to have to grin-and-bear-it-and-join-the-world-of-traffic-without-a-speed-limit. I did, and I am now loving every minute of fast long distance travelling. (That is, to say, travelling as fast as a Ford Fiesta is ever going to travel).

21. A big thumbs-up for the brown and white Autobahn signs that explain all of the tourist attractions nearby and, generally, just make driving like one big history lesson.

22. Note to self: the blue and white Autobahn signs are a few hundred miles ahead of your thinking process. You are not going to mysteriously wind-up in Berlin just because the sign seems to suggest so.  

23. When in Germany, one does not drink tap water. There goes the good old British-student-trick of asking for a [free] jug of water for the table.

24. Coke and Fanta go together so well that they can even be purchased ready-mixed-together.

25. Ditto Ketchup and Mayo.

26. Schools have tables and chairs. Unfortunately my brain doesn't appear to have quite latched onto this concept yet, and I continue to only realise this once I've walked into them. 

27. English adverts for glasses are superior to German adverts for glasses. Sorry, Fielmann, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHx_5ruO17s) but you should have gone to Specsavers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KZeO5oc428).

28. The ''Werbung'' for Hornbach is GRIM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bASUnISmF8). So grim that I though that they specialised in helping people write their wills. A logical conclusion to draw from watching someone build a staircase and then die (along with the oh-so-cheerful-slogan of ''und was bleibt von Dir?''), oder? But, oh no, they are actually a DIY company (Brits, think B&Q).

29. Germans do ''Rückmeldung'' so well. Back in the day when I was at school, giving feedback was the chance to just tick everything and then talk about what you had had for tea the night before. This has apparently changed and I have witnessed even Simon Cowell's criticisms be well and truly blown out of the water by people born many a decade after him.

30. It is all about the ''Krimi''.

31. You know that good old classic British trick of speaking VERY LOUD English in an attempt avoid a situation abroad becoming awkward? Yep, that one. Don't pretend that you've never done it. Well... after having watched a group of Germans (in Germany) deliberately change language into English in a hopeful attempt to avoid awkwardness, I can reassure you that we are not the only ones who do it. I can hear you breathe a sigh of relief, there. You're welcome.

32. Speaking to cashiers in German in England causes much confusion. Yes, I admit, there was potentially a second in which I may possibly have forgotten what country I was in.

33. Surprises are the best. As was my housemate's expression when I turned up on her doorstep in Durham as an early-birthday surprise.

34. Although being in England was LOVELY, I will most probably have to be dragged away from Germany kicking and screaming at the prospect of having to return to summative essay writing next year.

35. There is no language in which road-rage can be so successfully conveyed as in German.


36. WhatsApp > BBM. So. I caved in and got WhatsApp. Whilst this may be the cheapest way of sending messages/ photos etc., my phone has been left rather confused (as have I) and has assigned all of the English landline contacts on my phone a +49 number. For several days I didn't quite understand why some of my non-German-speaking-friends had taken to posting statuses ranting at people/ declaring their love for people in German. And then I twigged that they weren't actually my non-German-speaking-friends, ''sondern'' real Germans who I don't actually know...

37. The wearing ear-plugs-at-concerts-thing (see lesson #29, October) depends on the concert. [Most] Avenged Sevenfold fans are too hard-core for that kind of stuff.

38. School trips are just as exciting in your 20's as they were back in the day. I even managed to get myself out of bed pre-5AM (after having got back from the airport at 2AM), such was my ''Klassenfahrt'' commitment.

39. If the worst comes to the worst, after navigating people around London for a weekend, I at least have a job as a tour-guide.

40. Nordic walking is everywhere.

Finally, not one lesson learned, but many. I have nothing more to say than: visit a Concentration Camp.

 


Synchronsprecher- person who overdubs the voices on films/ news reports etc.
TüV- German version of the MOT
Zulassungsstelle- registration office
Rechnung- receipt
Brötchen- bread roll
Winterreifen- winter tyres
die Studentin mit dem englischen Auto- the student with the English car (I feel as if this sums this month up fairly well)
kratzen- to scrape [ice]
Apropos- on the subject of
Winterjacke- coat for the winter
Greifzange- litter-picking-stick
Gesamtkonferez- general staff meeting 
Siezen- to use ''Sie'' to each other
Sie- the polite form of ''you'', used with people you don't know that well
höflich- polite
vor allem- above all
Werbung- advert
und was bleibt von Dir?- and what remains of you?
oder- or
Rückmeldung- feedback
Krimi- whodunnit
Klassenfahrt- class trip

October 2013

1. It seems that I apparently know (just about) enough about New York to manage to spontaneously fill a 90 minute lesson. I always knew that I was gaining valuable knowledge by reading ''The Devil Wears Prada'' so frequently.

2. Ditto the rules of cricket, which I was previously unaware that I actually knew at all, let alone could chatter on about for a good half an hour. Nothing like a bit of latent knowledge.

3. The same does not, however, apply to my knowledge of the state of the Canadian oil industry. Or of suicide rates amongst the Eskimo population.

4. Documents required to have an MOT in Germany: certificate of motor insurance, registration certificate, breakdown cover and a COC certificate. The latter can be likened to the Holy Grail in terms of ease of availability and, although it has not completely eluded me (my name derives from Guinevere, after all), for some reason my copy is in Dutch, which is, well, erm, not particularly helpful.

5.  How to [theoretically] light the ''Kamin''. This does, however, appear to be a refined art which I haven't quite got the grasp of yet, and I am still at the stage in my Kamin-lighting-learning-process where I seem to do a rather good job of continually un-lighting it.

6. The Bodensee is beaut. Being situated on the borders of Germany, Austria and Switzerland, though, prepare also to be in a constant state of confusion as to which country you are actually currently in.

7. Indication at roundabouts is minimal if one could call it at all existent. Waiting to find out which direction cars are actually intending to go in is, however, a big NO NO. No, instead of waiting, the rule seems to be one of: ''just drive. And honk at everyone who isn't doing likewise''. Needless to say, this seems to result in roundabout traffic being fairly stationary due to the fact that everyone has ''just driven'' at exactly the same time.

8. There are certain situations that just are not ideal for a Brit. Oh, dear Aldi, how your shopping-trolley-scrums do scare me slightly. Yours, a flattened customer squashed into a metal crate at the side of the aisle.

9. Schloß Neuschwanstein is neither pink (a la the Disneyland Paris castle) nor resembles Gondor (Lord of the Rings). Five year old me, I had trusted your memory for so long.

10. There are really far easier things to attempt to draw than Schloß Neuschwanstein. That said, though, I have gained a new found respect for its builders. A few less towers would have made my life a tad easier, but props to you for managing it, Ludwig II.

11. Ditto attempting to draw all of the tourist attractions on London's Piccadilly Line. Yes, this does [unfortunately] include both Buckingham Palace and The National Gallery. Van Gogh watch out, the Teaching Assistant is on her way.

12. How to carve a pumpkin. (Even if, to match my ungrizzlyness- yes that is now a word- it did feature multiple stars and a smiling moon).

13. How to use a Swiss Army knife.

14. Funerals (ditto heart attacks) are grim no matter what country they take place in.

15. It is possible to read for fun. I'm sure that I knew how to do this at one point (in fact, make that positive- I was that child who read all the way through Harry Potter on the day it came out AFTER waiting in the queue for its midnight release), but somewhere in the midst of this further-education-and-reading-lists-malarkey it has become a foreign concept.

16. Knock knock jokes (even if they are really bad) are hilarious when you unexpectedly find a book of them amongst unwanted English resources in a staff room. My highlight so far has been:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Diane.
Diane who?
Dai will be angry when Wales lose.

17. My lack of an accent complying with Queen's English results in some fairly interesting guesses as to which alien part of the world I actually originate from. Guesses so far have included New York and, the particularly English-speaking, Munich.

18. How to feed a monkey.

19. There is always ''Stau'' on the A3. It is, in fact, Hessen's ''Lieblingsstau'' (according to local radio), although I assume that this is a relationship which can be likened to the metaphor of the M25 being England's biggest car park.

20. How to live a life full of risks. Namely, how to successfully spend the afternoon at a giant playground (intended mainly for those under 130cm) situated comfortably within the catchment area of my school. To expand upon my definition of ''successfully'', I mean that I encountered none of my dearest pupils whilst riding around in [very slow] circles on a giant pink duck. (I did, however, encounter one later in the day, but this was at a supermarket and, although the 1kg bag of multi-coloured marshmallows that I was carrying at the time did somewhat prevent it from being my most dignified moment, at least my year 5 missed my being stuck at the top of a dysfunctional ferris wheel).

21. Denglish provides much amusement. Some of my current favorite examples include: ''die Bromance des Jahres'' (Voice of Germany) and ''LadyFit'' (a local gym), not to forget the classic ''das Happy-End'' or ''der McJob''.

22. Germany looks remarkably different without Angela Merkel peering out from many an election poster.

23. There are better wake-up calls than being hit on the head by a giant Spiderman poster at 4 in the morning.

24. The girl who had a phobia of dogs at age 12 has now turned into an expert dog walker.

25. As someone with self-confessed arachnophobia, navigating with a confused Sat-Nav around a town that I don't know gains a whole new particularly-tricky-dimension when said town has decided to put up posters advertising a ''Spinnen-Ausstellung'' on every single lamppost. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO GET HOME, I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE MULTIPLE HAIRY ORANGE TARANTULAS.

26. By law, the same book will be sold for the same price regardless of which shop the book is being sold in. German efficiency strikes again. Just think what else you could have achieved during all of that time that you spent shopping around to find a good deal, Brits.

27. If I had a cent for every time that Nena says ''ich freue mich'' on the Voice of Germany, I would be well on my way to affording the ''Ponyhof'' that she also mentions so frequently.

28. ''Ee knov'' is a much more exciting option than plain-old ''I know''.

29. In Germany people wear earplugs at concerts. Yes, as someone who normally works by the logic of ''I paid to hear the music, so I will hear the music'' it confused me slightly, too.

30. It is official. My Year Abroad has turned me into a to-do-list-juggling-form-filling-machine-administration-ninja.

31. In a country where winter brings with it the requirement of special car types (''Winterreifen''), winter clothing is also a concept not to be underestimated. In my attempt to pack lightly, this part of my wardrobe (namely ''Wasserdicht'' shoes with ''Profil'' and anything thicker than a cardigan) is lacking slightly. German winter, I will conquer you even if it does mean that I have to wear all of my 5 cardigans at once Michelin-man-style. AND, in doing so, you will not hear me complain. Not even once. Namely because, after realising that my go-to conversation starter is normally something along the lines of ''I'm cold'', I have made a Year Abroad resolution to tame the Brit in me and not complain about the weather.  

32. With my lack of practical clothing, I at least tick some boxes in the fact that I appear to conform to the German stereotype of British clothing (''lots of layers and lots of flowery patterns'') sufficiently.

33. Ditto my ginger-hair-and-freckles-combo making me, in general, every part the stereotypical Brit.

34. Selecting the calligraphy option on the Smart Board automatically makes you look like a handwriting expert.  (Please note, however, this only works if the board has been calibrated correctly. If not, it just looks like you've heartlessly killed many a spider).

35. The answer is always ''Knoblauch''. It's a good job that it's one of the best words ever because it is everywhere: as a surname, as a business name and, of course, in food.




Kamin- fireplace
Stau- traffic jam
Lieblingsstau- favourite traffic jam
die Bromance des Jahres- the bromance of the year
das Happy-End- the happy endING
der McJob- low-pay-job
Spinnen-Ausstellung- spider exhibition
ich freue mich- I am glad
Ponyhof- pony farm
Winterreifen- winter car tyres
Wasserdicht- waterproof
mit Profil- with good treads
Knoblauch- garlic

September 2013

1. When I grow up I would really quite like a Mercedes. If this is not possible, I can probably just about compromise and settle for a Bugatti. I see no reason why this is not a perfectly logical ambition for someone whose CV heavily features floor mopping. (Yes, the Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung is to blame for my potential delusion).

2. There is a difference between an ''Automobil'' and an ''Auto''. Namely the price tag.

3. Even the IAA isn't too swanky to employ many a floor mopper.

4. Bleach should be kept away from clothing. Unless, of course, you are purposefully attempting to tie-dye your pyjamas.

5. When recycling bottles it is perhaps advisable to ensure that the bottle is, in fact, empty, before tipping it upside down. Failing to do this results in spending a day at school with a cardigan smelling of (albeit alcohol-free) beer.

6. The flies in the car park are mosquitoes, do not smile at them and then leave the car door open for them to have a new playground. They will bite you. Lots.

7. Hornets actually exist and they are big and scary. Ok, maybe I did [just about] know that they existed, but in, like, Narnia, not in Germany of all places. Ditto wild boars.

8. There are a lot of things that I would rather do than attempt to drive a car with the steering wheel located on the right-hand side into a car park where the barrier is operated from the left-hand side. Oddly, though, whilst my undignified flailing/ falling out of the passenger side window at said car park barriers is not the slightest bit amusing to me, others seem to disagree.

9. Those funny-litter-picking-stick-things are not easily available for purchase. This is very sad because, up to now, this is the best suggestion I have received for tackling this minor car park barrier issue of mine.

10. There are certain situations which one should not have to deal with before 10AM. Entering a multi-storey car park (tackling the barrier on the way in, ''natürlich'') to discover that you do not have any money whatsoever and that the only option (other than using the 75 cent profit that could have been gained from collecting the ''Pfandflaschen'' residing in the car) is therefore to drive VERY QUICKLY out of the car park again (hello, barrier #2) is one of them.

11. Having a concerned driver follow you into a petrol station and, in very broken English, ask if you are really certain that you are legally old enough to drive in Germany is slightly awkward.

12. What the ''Ampelmann'' says goes. When in Germany one does not jaywalk. Even if there are no cars coming. Thank you, pedestrian-waiting-at-the-traffic-lights-on-my-drive-to-school for demonstrating this lesson so perfectly when I drove past 5 minutes later to you, still, waiting patiently on the pavement.

13. If I ever need to drive up/ down a metal ramp with a  80% incline, a Land Rover [rather perilously] fits the bill.

13. ''Na'' is the best German word ever invented and saves the immense effort involved in ever having to say ''wie geht's'' before 7AM.

14. Ditto ''gell'' and ''ne'' if you ever can't quite be bothered to change the intonation of your voice when trying to ask a question.

15. If you want to buy tights, with the widest tight selection I have ever seen, Germany is by far the place to do so.

16. Whilst the German workplace dress code does slightly struggle to set me apart from your average Year 9, I have easily become used to this whole wear-your-jeans-to-work thing. So much so that, being the rebellious Brit that I am, I have had to acquire more jeans.

17. There are not many gingers in Germany. A fact which was proven by checkout-man-at-my-regular-petrol-station who, after attempting to charge me €100 just to see my reaction, proceeded to shout VERY LOUD chat-up lines after me and over the heads of a queue of unsuspecting customers as I left, just because my hair was ''so schön''. It's only ginger, mate, it's not that exciting.

18. Germany has done the impossible and invented walkable-innable-heels. I should be restrained from shops which sell these in the future. Two pairs of new shoes in the space of a week (three, if you include ''Hausschuhe'' ) is a tad excessive, even for you, Jennifer.

19. The ''Hausmeister'' has all of the power. As do I now that I possess keys for the school and a pigeon hole.

20. Germany appears to have the same relationship to ''Schlager'' as we do to One Direction; whilst we moan and groan at the mere mention of them, most of us know every word.

21. Courtesy of the rather cool guy with the hat on the right, I now know how to make coal. Should this ever be a skill that you need, just remember, I'm your person. All I need is a tent, lots of wood, a spot in the forest to build my 4m wide mud hut and approximately fourteen days. Easy stuff.  

22. Checking for upcoming concerts is procrastination time well spent. Front row for seeing the fave band in a hall with a capacity of 1000 isn't too shoddy when you consider that they had sold out two nights at both the MEN Arena and Wembley the following week.

23. The quirks of rural Germany never cease to be beaut. The town news (''Dorffunk'') being broadcast over tannoys attached to the side of houses is my current fave.

24. Nothing smells as good as the ''Kamin'' being on.

25. Getting wood for the ''Kamin'' is called ''Holzaktion'' for a reason. And is a very fun and price-efficient alternative to a gym membership.

26. Teaching prepositions to a class of 9 year olds becomes drastically more interesting for them when it involves the use of a cuddly toy. That said, though, there have been occasions upon which I have felt slightly more sophisticated than during the hours which I spent sitting in the staff room sharing my chair with a giant teddy.

27. Surprisingly, England appears to have a wider selection of ''Joghurt mit der Ecke'' than Germany.

28. Tractors are big.  

29. 13 year olds make far better hair dressers than their age may suggest.

30. Birthdays are kind of a big deal.

31. You cannot buy party poppers in Germany. This, therefore, makes them VERY EXCITING. Ditto Christmas Crackers.

32. After having been here for a month already, the length of time when it is acceptable to buy a different Ritter Sport in every shop I enter, just because they ''don't have them in England'' has probably passed.

33. The high-5 dominates the German badminton scene. No more of this tame, British, hand-shaking stuff.

34. Live basketball is ''sehr spannend''.

35. German mathematical symbols are not the same as English mathematical symbols. While I do, perhaps surprisingly, still have a grasp upon Year 8 linear equations, doing these using what feels like a different alphabet is definitely keeping my grey matter well exercised.

36. Checkouts at German supermarkets are operated at the SPEED OF LIGHT. There is not time for any of this polite-British-chat-to-the-cashier-business. Just throw the stuff into a bag. Any bag. In fact, anything vaguely resembling a bag. And pay. Quickly. You have been warned, my friends, you have been warned.

37. My English film knowledge is shocking. Yes, I have now seen Spiderman. No, I haven't quite yet got around to watching Titanic.

38. Germany could really do with a Great British Bake Off equivalent. The new ''Kocharena''  (''Grill den Henssler'') will do for now, though. There's really nothing better than a good ol' beetroot-soup-making-competition.

39. Being able to function before 8AM appears to really be a skill that you need here. And it is one that I have now got NAILED, with my morning routine now operating with a down-to-the-minute-precision. Unfortunately, this morning ninja-ness appears to be at the expense of my previous night-owl-ness, and, come 10PM, some serious zzzzzzzzzzzzz's are needed.

40. We Brits actually really do talk about the weather a lot. So much so that I have to really restrain myself from making instinctive comments about how cold/ warm I am during awkward silences.




Automobil- a vehicle well out of the price range of a teaching assistant
Auto- a car well suited to humble teaching assistants such as myself
natürlich- of course
Pfandflaschen- bottles yet to have been returned to the shop in exchange for money back
Ampelmann- the green/ red traffic light man
na- how are you?
wie geht's?- how are you?
gell- ...right?
ne- ...right?
so schön- so beautiful
Hausschuhe- footwear worn around the house (think Birkenstock, or similar, shoes)
Hausmeister- caretaker
Schlager-  that kind of cheesy country music genre often so well represented during the Eurovision Song Contest
Dorffunk- local news, transmitted via speakers positioned around the village
Kamin- fireplace
Holzaktion- the act of chopping up trees in the forest, heaving the logs onto a trailer and driving them back to the house (this is then repeated many times until the pile in the forest is no more)
Joghurt mit der Ecke- Müller corner
sehr spannend- very exciting
Kocharena (Grill den Henssler)- cooking show featuring Steffen Henssler and his vaguely-famous-guests engaging in various culinary challenges

August 2013

1. Car ignitions and spark plugs simultaneously breaking results in a terrifying hour spent crawling along the Belgian motorway at a maximum speed of 42 miles per hour.

2. Driving at 42 miles per hour on the Belgian motorway annoys even the slowest of lorry drivers.

3. Just in case you ever need them, I would wholeheartedly recommend the breakdown services on the ring road outside Brussels. Our driver spoke 5 languages fluently and we were back on our way within 3 hours. Not to mention the fact that he had an encyclopaedic knowledge of Fawlty Towers.

4. As fun as having a car towed away actually is, there are probably more fun ways to pass time than sitting in a Ford Garage reading Beauty and the Beast in Flemmish and watching an overdubbed American series on fishing for tuna.

5. The German breakdown services are also highly efficient. Yes, I did experience being towed away twice in a week. No, it (luckily) wasn't the same car.

6. Whilst driving on the wrong side of the road is actually not so bad (with the exception of overtaking, which leaves me extremely tempted to continue on the left...!), the admin associated with having an English car in Germany is. I currently possess 5 Green Cards. I repeat, 5.

7. Having a car with the wheel ''auf der falschen Seite'' appears to be a constant source of novelty for all Germans who I encounter.

8. Getting stopped by the police in the pitch black on a country road is really quite scary. Even if I did know that I was neither a). speeding b). drunk nor c). an escaped criminal. Admittedly, the expression on the policeman's face when he looked in through the left hand window and saw no driver was, however, minorly hysterical.

9. Petrol is confusing and there are too many unleaded options. My car needs ''Super''. The fact that there is also ''Super Plus'' and ''Super E10'' petrol has resulted in my becoming extremely paranoid with regards to filling up.

10. I am too British and need to learn to man up and not leave a miniscule amount in the bottom of bottles of water on the dinner table for fear of mortally offending anyone. The Germans find this rather a strange habit.

11. Ditto the last slice of bread/ the last biscuit/ the last few crisps.

12. The same applies to this overly-polite-carefully-worded-question-formulating-beating-around-the-bush British habit that I appear to have. Just spit it out, woman.

13. Saying what you mean, whilst a foreign concept to me and many Brits, is actually surprisingly effective and I am now debating whether this forms the basis for all of this German efficiency malarkey that we so often hear about.

14. I cannot find an English explanation that sufficiently describes a German ''Fest''.

15. The Germans do ''grillen'' better than anyone.

16. Ditto sausages.

17. Ditto sweets. The Viba Nougatstange (basically a stick of Nutella) is the best invention since Cadbury Dairy Milk. In fact, just ditto most foods. Germany, you have got it right in the food department. England, sort it out.

18. I can now do a front flip. Unfortunately, during the process of learning to do this, I have split my lip open and acquired an extremely blue (and potentially broken) nose and swollen knee. You do the detective work, my little Sherlocks.

19. Looking young has its advantages. Such as being bought my train ticket home because someone at Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof thought I was a lost school girl. Even if my ego took a blow, my purse didn't... ON THE PLUS SIDE!

20. Another lesson that I learnt the hard way: look at maps. Failing to do so resulted in me getting a Metro going in the completely wrong direction because nice-person-who-bought-my-ticket told me to, then having to change trains twice before continuing on the overground line for 14 stops. All on a ticket which was valid for one uninterrupted journey only. ''Schwarzfahren'' is scary, don't do it, kids.

21. Registering as a German resident and opening a bank account and, really, everything that sounded vaguely scary to do was actually fine. Buying a phone, however, required a passport and lots of tariff knowledge and was really rather confusing.

22. German TV remains as cool as ever. Yes, that is an ostrich.

23. I am, contrary to most expectations, actually able to function before 7AM. I do not know whether or not I enjoy this fact or not.

24. German pillows are actually very comfy. (For all Brits who think this is a weird comment, I refer to the fact that the pillows are square and very squishy and do not really resemble British pillows at all).

25. Not being faced with a university reading list for September is an extremely exciting prospect. And a very good excuse to read the sequel to The Devil wears Prada. Goethe, you can wait.

26. Despite my being British and ginger and therefore fairly genetically unequipped for any weather involving either sunshine or warmth, I am slowly feeling the pressure to wear jeans and long sleeves in the blistering heat JUST BECAUSE THE GERMANS DO. Although I am aware that this is potentially completely irrational, I feel as if wrapping up may be the long-lost-secret to dealing with heat. I will keep you updated. And, if it works, shotgun naming the theory.

27. A scarf is an essential accessory. Always. Yes, even in August. Ditto sensible (usually Converse-style) shoes. Regardless of the accompanying outfit.

28. German transport is not always as punctual as one may think. Shocking, I know.

29. Train delays of over an hour can be good as they result in refunds and a free (non-alcoholic) drink. This is especially helpful if you initially paid an extortionary amount for your long-distance train ticket due to having only booked it the day before.

30. 7 hours worth of meetings and parents evenings is a deceptively fun way to spend an evening. I recommend.




auf der falschen Seite- on the wrong side
Super- me friendly petrol
Super Plus- petrol variation #1
Super E10- petrol variation #2
Fest- a glorified gala; think Oktoberfest (but not always with that much beer flowing) crossed with a Christmas market (minus the Christmas theme, but with the Lebkuchen)
grillen- BBQ
Schwarzfahren- to ride public transport without having paid for the relevant ticket