May/ June 2014

1a. Summer has arrived. In other words, I am sunburned already.

1b. It is possible to wind up with sunburn despite not having actually left the safety of the car.

1c. The resultant sunburn will, however, only be on the one side which was exposed to sunlight.

2. A two word definition of ''sauna'': my car. I am not genetically equipped for 33 degrees without air-con.

3. How to brake on black ice (I am aware that this is not something normally required in May) and emergency brake through various obstacle courses. Driver safety training was well cool. And made all the more entertaining through the instructor's walkie-talkie commentary throughout the duration of the day; ''remember: when performing an emergency stop, smile nicely''.

4. There is nothing that cannot be built with Playmobil.

5. Nor is there anything that cannot be built with Lego.

6. There are a lot of bank holidays in May.  

7. Living in the age of the internet isn't always all that bad. To the E (you asked for a no. 7 shout out) and F of the House of JEF, I know you'd do it. HUGS.

8. Upon returning to London for 48 hours at the start of the month, I was struck by:
a. i). how ridiculously, super, over-the-top-friendly cashiers are.
a. ii) how impatient I now get if people small-talk at checkouts. Sorry, M&S.
b. i). how risky the Brits are in that throwing-themselves-out-into-oncoming-traffic-in-an-attempt-to-cross-the-road habit of theirs.
c. the Brits are the last to open their umbrellas.
d. how much I have missed Crème Eggs.

9. There is such an instrument as a musical saw.

10. English bathrooms are qualified by Colgate toothpaste, German bathrooms by Schwarzkopf shampoo.

11a. You are never too old for giant teddy bears.
11b. Ditto giant slides.
11c. Margarete Steiff was pretty cool.

12. With the assistance of the cleaner, I have now twigged how to work the soap dispenser at the local shopping centre: hit it.

13a. Elbows can turn blue/green/yellow.
13b. The eating chocolate whilst climbing stairs was probably never exactly the best combo.

14. Do not leave chocolate in warm environments. It will melt, and frozen chocolate is frustratingly tricky to eat.

15. It is possible to buy clotted cream in Frankfurt.

16a. English salt and vinegar Pringles taste different than their European counterparts.
16b. The flavour selection is also different. And dominated by paprika.
16c. Upon trying to research why the flavours differ so, I stumbled across the fact that as of 2008 Pringles are not classified as crisps anymore. WHAT ELSE ARE THEY, THEN?!

17a. The term ''public viewing'' exists in English and in German. In English it refers to an open coffin, which people visit to pay tribute to the [no longer living] person inside it. In German it refers to TV broadcasts and crowds. Put into context, watching the World Cup live on a big screen.
17b. The German version is SUPER COOL, especially when it winds up Germany 4- Portugal 0.

18. The England football team isn't exactly the most reliable.

19. The water in the ''Blautopf''' is, like the name suggests, blue.

20a. The Karl-May-Festspiele are thoroughly to be recommended.
20b. It is physically possible for 21 horses to fit onto one stage.

21. Whoever came up with the phrase ''those who can't do, teach'' was extremely ignorant and I do not agree with them at all. To everyone at PRS, thank you, thank you, thank you.

April 2014

After 8 months, I am just beginning to come to terms with supressing my Englishness and embracing my Germanness, and can now:

1). Just about manage to begin a conversation without mentioning the weather.

2). Just about manage to have a conversation without mentioning the weather.

3). Just about manage to finish a conversation without mentioning the weather. *

*NB. I have, however, established that if England has a smell it is, without a shadow of a doubt, rain on concrete.

4). Stand in a non-orderly ''queue''. *

*NB. I haven't quite got the glare-at-the-back-of-the-heads-of-queue-jumpers-reflex under control yet, but will keep you updated on my progress.

5). Come to terms with the fact that speed, not small talk, is valued at checkouts.

6). Eat the last biscuit. Although this one is an on-going battle.

7). Introduce myself on the telephone (which should, apparently, be the first thing that you do; none of this ''hello, erm, I was potentially, maybe, wondering if there might theoretically be a possibility that you could perhaps answer a query that I may have'' business). I am still incapable of coming out with ''hello, my name is Salisbury'' whilst maintaining a completely straight face, and also distinctly miss being able to add as many adverbs as conceivably possible into one sentence, but my phone bills have not suffered as a result of this progress.

8). Introduce myself using my name. Shocking I know, but I do normally have the very British tendency to leave people to play the guessing game.*

* NB. I can actually only think of one occasion in England where I properly introduced myself (interviews and ice-breaker-related-activities excluded), and I was called Janet for the rest of the day. So, erm, yeah, it went well.

9). Introduce myself in general. Even if it involves hand shaking in a non-badminton-related-context. Just about (ie. whilst being simultaneously fairly limited by my British formality-related-awkwardness).

10). Half-function using a language which does not have a direct translation for the word ''awkward''.

11). Be barged into without feeling the need to apologise profusely for standing in the way. I admit, sometimes, the sorry reflex does  still just spring into automatic action, though.

12). Say ''great/ super/ [insert any positive adjective here]'' without meaning it ironically. Although I'm not entirely sure whether or not I've quite mastered the accompanying tone of voice yet.

13). Express my opinion in a format other than a strongly worded email. ie. to real life people. This is slow progress, and I've currently reached around the ''say-whether-I-want-Cola-or-Sprite-level''...

14). Supress the shopaholic inside of me who wants to do nothing but shop on Sundays. There is no shopping on Sundays, not in Germany.*

*NB. I don't really think I've ever been one to actually shop on Sundays, but I find the fact that there is one day a week where chocolate is not all too readily available rather scary.

15). Exit the house on a sunny day where the pollen-count is high without being stopped and interrogated as to why I am crying*. Although I feel hay fever epitomises all that is English within me, to my relief German eye-drops epitomise all that is German and efficient, and no more tears are required.

*N.B. Sadly, this is not a metaphor and happened on several occasions.

16). Parallel park. Luckily this was not a manoeuvre which cropped up on my driving test, otherwise I may not have been brumming around Deutschland since August. But, after realising that Frankfurt , astonishingly, is actually a city with traffic and cars, and that German directness is also represented in their willingness to honk, I have manned up and can just about deal with a 15m gap between cars.

17). Cope with the British lack of enthusiasm to acknowledge a fellow Brit in a foreign country. I WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY, Londoners in caravan who were less than impressed by my hellos. I know society dictates that we have to ignore each other on public transport, but we were in the middle of a field. In Bayern. I was desperate.

18). Deal with car-park-barriers being on the wrong side. My mad-skills have now developed to the point where I have also experienced being too fast for the barrier. Aka. I have driven  directly into it in my climbing-out-of-and-back-into-the-car-frenzy.

19). Restrain my urge to put kisses on the end of texts. The Germans do not do this.

20). Go a day* without wearing a skirt, or a dress, or an item of floral-related clothing.

*N.B. By day, I mean the waking hours. I am far too British to not crawl back home and straight into flowery pyjamas.

March 2014

1. Neronia's newest CD, Limnotapes, is out now and available from all of the usual music stockists. Go, buy. And, just in case it helps to push you along in your purchasing, I'm featured in the dedications. Da da da boom.

2a. With regards to lesson number 12 of last month, I have since been corrected by a proper authentic German that the storage place of preference for water bottles is actually the cellar. In the unfortunate case that a cellar is not available, then the corridor features as the next location on the water-bottle-storage-hierarchy.

2b. One does not drink from the tap. This results in a prevalence of water bottles which, after their contents has been consumed, can be returned to the shop and exchanged for a percentage of their original price. Aka. ''Pfand''. Aka. I currently have 16 water bottles in my racket bag which require ''dringend'' attention/ organisation.

3a. Never underestimate the value of being able to hear. After spending the majority of this month randomly unable to hear on one side, I am now relieved to say the least at being able to enjoy the world at full volume again.

3b. While I feel as if my English is getting worse by the day, my English lip-reading skills remain far superior than my German ones.

4a. Professor McGonagall is ''per Sie'' with Harry Potter. No German lesson could have ever prepared me for that shock. HE IS AN 11 YEAR OLD SCHOOL BOY. HOW DOES THAT WORK?!

4b. Much to my relief, HP is at least ''per Du'' with Hagrid.

4c. I don't feel that it is really possible to adequately overdub Alan Rickman.

5. Gordon Bennett was a racing driver and actually existed! Sorry, mate, for abusing your name in all tricky situations.

6a. It's not normally a good idea to drive too quickly near speed cameras...

6b. ...Or to park without a ''Parkscheibe''...

6c. It is, however, [THANKFULLY] possible to escape both of these situations without any points on your driving license/ without a driving ban.  

7. I am not sure whether this lesson is:
a). Hair dye doesn't always dye your hair the colour it says on the packet.
or
b). Don't [attempt to] dye bleached hair purple.
or maybe even
c). Just don't play with hair dye.
But, whatever it is, after winding up with super attractive pink/ grey hair, I am currently in the process of getting used to having a bob (ie. hair which saves me 10 minutes in the mornings as it is barely capable of being scraped back into a ponytail, let alone being plaited).

8. Whilst you can take the girl out of the city, but not the city out of the girl (and all that), you can still take photos of her looking concerned and holding a duck.

9. ''He, she, it, das 's' muss mit''.

10. Local businesses are appreciated more in ''Deutschland''.  

11a. German radio appears to have a great love for ''Eye of the tiger'', which makes for a fairly intense driving soundtrack.

11b. Ditto for James Blunt. Which is slightly less epic.

12. There is, seemingly, a stereotype of British people not having dishwashers. As someone who comes from potentially one of many non-dishwasher-owning-households-in-Britain, I DID NOT KNOW THAT THIS WAS A THING?!

13. This hand sign is, in fact, a ''Leisezeichen'', and implies ''Mund zu, Ohren auf!''. Not the ''rock on'' sign, which left me a tad confused for many a month.

14a. The Romans settled in Frankfurt. Meaning that I live within about 10 minutes from the Saalburg, a Roman fort. Standard. Someone somewhere knew I missed living near Hadrian's Wall too much.
 
14b. The Romans really were all that they are made up to be. Said Roman fort is situated on a painfully steep hill, which my baby the Ford Fiesta does not like one bit (in other words, if I make it up in 2nd gear, we're having a good day). Big respect to you, people of 90AD, for making it up to the top without a Lamborghini.

15a. It rains a lot in England. Here, across the channel, summer is on its way and I am, again, faced with the minor issue of having a wardrobe which is only really appropriate for various forms of water (obviously not of the frozen kind) coming from the sky.

15b. On the plus side, I own footwear vaguely resembling ''Hausschuhe'' and my fluorescent pink trainers appear to be considered as everyday footwear here, so all is looking fine and dandy in the shoe department.

16a. There are a lot of words in the English language for rain.

16b. There are lots of bread-related words in the German language.

16c. I feel this sums up both countries rather aptly.

17a. Germany has a tendency towards naming its streets/ schools after people. These names will be separated with a hyphen. A particular highlight this month was ''William-Shakespeare-Ring'' .

17b. Although their names go against my aforementioned rule, I was greatly amused to find the neighbouring streets of ''William-Shakespeare-Ring'' to be ''Liverpoolstraße'', ''Oxforderstraße'', and ''Westminsterstraße''.

18. ''Abitur'' has introduced me to the fact that there is a debate as to whether Shakespeare existed/ wrote his works himself. I don't know how I feel about the potential of going back to England and not necessarily believing in Shakespeare...

19a. There is currently a ''Sahara-Staubwolke'' over Germany, hence the reason that the sky looks so grotty/ red. My mind is blown.

19b. There are stars in the sky at night. Manchester, you have robbed me of this for too long.

19c. There are earthquakes in Germany.

19d. It is possible to sleep through the earth shaking.

20. It was ''sehr schön'' to see my Mama.




Pfand- getting money back for old bottles
dringend- urgent
per Sie- to use the polite form of 'you'
per Du- to use the informal form of 'you'
Parkscheibe- a blue thing with a rotating clock face, which you have to set to display the time that you parked at
He, she, it, das 's' muss mit- he, she, it, the 's' has to go with (used in English lessons)
Deutschland- Germany
Leisezeichen- hand sign used when silence is required
Mund zu, Ohren auf!- mouth closed, ears open
Hausschuhe- footwear worn around the house (or slippers, with a practicality level x10)
Abi- A Levels
Straße- street
Sahara-Staubwolke- not that I'm any bit the geography expert, but basically a cloud of sand from the Sahara
sehr schön- very nice

February 2014

1. Fish are friends, not food. Meet Gandalf, my new roommate/ BFF/ life coach. He is a ''Kampffisch'' and is far cooler than I am, but we get on very well, although I'm not really sure what language to address him in. He's also purple. So is my hair after I got bored of the blonde*.

*NB. at least I thought the dye I bought was purple, a student told me that it reminded them of red cabbage...

2a. Germany is an hour ahead of England. This became particularly apparent after my decision to watch the Super Bowl in its entirety resulted in it starting (and therefore finishing) an hour later than usually anticipated.

2b. So, yeah, working on an hour's sleep is interesting.

3. As practical as it would be to directly translate the German ''... oder?'' at the end of a sentence as ''...or?'' when asking questions in English, it doesn't quite work. But it makes me smile every time I hear it. Or confuses every English speaking person who I accidentally use it on.

4. Germans do not tend to embrace Facebook in the same let-the-entire-world-stalk-me-and-know-everything-about-me-for-ever-and-ever-AND-know-what-I-had-for-dinner kind of way that the Brits do. Rather they use alternative names, or split their names up, so they are called ''Jenn Ifer'', for example, and appear to have an average of 5 photos. This has left me slightly paranoid that, although I'm fairly careful when it comes to social media, the world probably knows everything about me in comparison. And yes, I am even guilty of having posted a photo of my dinner during the last month. I'm clearly doing this wrong.

5. Q: ''Was ist grün, steht vor der Tür und klopft?''
    A: ''Ein Klopfsalat''.

6. When the final year does their ''Abitur'', their families/ friends make posters for them, wishing them luck, which are put up near the school. My current favourite, which gets a 10 from me on both the creativity and the cuteness scale, has been made by a Kindergarten located on the way to the school, wishing the ''Abi'' class of 2014 luck from the ''Abi'' class of 2028.

7. Having to complete 18 pages worth of translation in order to meet a deadline, with no internet connection and a dictionary smaller than my hand is minorly stressful. Especially when it features a case study about a tile manufacturer's distribution strategy.

8. ''Männerballet'' needs to be granted the main-stream-entertainment status which it deserves. Now. There is nothing that the world needs more at the moment than middle-aged men dressed as bunny rabbits.

9. I can think of nothing in England which is comparable ''Karneval/ Fasching/ Fastnacht/ Fasnacht/ Fasnet/ Fastelovend/ Fasteleer/ fünfte Jahreszeit''.  I can also think of no way to properly describe it, but seeing as this is something which I have defo learnt this month, I'll have to attempt anyway. Apologies in advance...:

• begins on 11th November at 11:11
• peaks during the week before Lent begins
• during this time there are ''Sitzungen'', where people sit in fancy dress* at long tables, drink beer and sway when music is played
• at these ''Sitzungen'' people stand up on stage and are very honest about politics (oh, and they dance/ jig around a bit, too)
• when said people on stage are a bit too honest about politics, the said people at long tables start to sing ''oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow'' and are accompanied by a brass band in doing so
• the main ''Karneval'' cities are Cologne, Mainz and Düsseldorf
• there are also ''Umzüge'', where tractors/ lorries pull floats (in the main cities, these are often politically based, and this year's floats therefore heavily featured Obama and Merkel's ''Handy''...) and the people on said floats throw sweets, lots of sweets, at the people on the streets

* fancy dress is a must and, I have, consequently, spent the majority of this month in a sparkly purple witch's costume...

10. Germany doesn't do pancakes on Pancake Day.

11a. I have developed a soft spot for the songs played during the ''Karneval'' time, although I do question their logic slightly. Need I say more than ''Ich hab 'ne Zwiebel auf dem Kopf, ich bin ein Döner, denn Döner macht schöner''?

11b. ''Karneval'' music requires a different type of dancing than your standard chart tunes. I would describe this as a sort of jig/ sway which sort of spontaneously appears to occur upon hearing said ''Musik''.

12. A German household requires a stash of at least 12+ fizzy drinks (each 1.5l- 2l, where possible) in the corridor.

13. I can think of no nation with better clapping stamina than Germany. And, judging by my willingness to give up after half-heartedly clapping 4 times, potentially no nation with worse clapping stamina than England.

14. Do not underestimate the pain involved with getting a handful of soap in your eye. It was mint flavoured and my eye cried involuntarily for 2 days afterwards. At least my face smelt nice, but, seriously, FEEL MY PAIN.

15. The ''Festhalle'' in Frankfurt is defo a picturesque alternative to having the Manchester MEN Arena as my usual go-to concert venue.

16. Despite slacking on the badminton front a bit as of late, I still have enough muscles going on to give shoulder rides.

17. Spontaneously road-tripping to the German Open was a Good. Move. Even if I have seen England on better form.

18. When taking part in competitive sport in Germany, everyone shakes everyone's hand/ high-5's everyone.

19. In Hamburg there is the world's largest model railway. After seeing the videos, I've gained a new sightseeing mission.

20. English theatre in Germany is a thing, and, while their English compatriots are still struggling to describe their local leisure centre, I was left amazed this month at how the theatre group at my school were able to perform 1 hour and 30 minutes worth of a play in fantastic English.




Kampffisch- Siamese fighting fish
Was ist grün, steht vor der Tür und klopft?/ Ein Klopfsalat- what is green, stands in front of the door and knocks/ a knocking lettuce (this joke doesn't exactly make sense in English, but lettuce= Kopfsalat, knock= Klopf...)
Abitur/ Abi- A Levels
Karneval/ Fasching/ Fastnacht/ Fasnacht/ Fasnet/ Fastelovend/ Fasteleer/ fünfte Jahreszeit- see my above attempted explanation...
Sitzungen- ditto
Umzüge- processions
Handy- mobile
Ich hab 'ne Zwiebel auf dem Kopf, ich bin ein Döner, denn Döner macht schöner- I have an onion on my head, I am a kebab, because kebabs make you more beautiful
Musik- music

January 2014

1. It's not a proper advert if it doesn't end with: ''zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker''

2. Forgetting to bring a suitcase on a Year Abroad= potentially not the best move by yours truly. Fortunately, this has now been rectified and 2014 will hopefully bring with it less shampoo/deodorant/[insert liquid here]-still-in-hand-luggage situations...

3. People in England are too polite. During a shopping trip whilst back at home, lady-at-checkout couldn't seem to bear to inform me that I had actually coppered up with the entirely wrong currency and, instead, silently waited until I cottoned on to the fact that a pile of Euros isn't normally much help when trying to buy things in Manchester.

4. Being stopped in a car at gun-point is scary. Even if it did actually turn out to be a wandering wild boar that was being sought out, not me.

5a. With the exception of the aforementioned 'what do you do when there is someone stood in the middle of the road pointing a gun at you' situation, it is actually possible to go for a month without car-drama. This is something that reassures me greatly for life in general.

5b. SatNavs lie. No, the middle of a field wasn't exactly my destination of intent. Surprising, I know. Dear dog walkers, I know now that cars aren't allowed on footpaths in woods, BUT THE SATNAV MADE ME.

6. Germany is cold. As is my car in the mornings. In an attempt to cope with said lack of heat, and after several mornings without feeling in my hands, I have had to resort to purchasing a steering-wheel cover. Unfortunately, the only one that I was able to locate was not only bright yellow, but also fluffy. So, yeah, whatever cool points I ever may have had are now well and truly ''weg''.

7a. The Germans know way more about English grammar than the English.

7b. I am now unable to use the ''past progressive'' without conjuring up a mental image of a list of ''Signalwörter''.

7c. The English grammar rules for comparatives/ superlatives are super clever.

8. After a lovely weekend with lovely people, I have established the fact that Vienna is lovely. Go, see.

9. Forgetting that I was actually supposed to be going to ''Wien'' until that morning was not my finest hour. It was, however, a very nice surprise when I eventually remembered.

10. Upon research, I discovered that ''Sachertorte'' is what one eats when in Vienna. Viennese Whirls are apparently ''a British confection'' according to the all-knowing Wikipedia. You learn something new, as they say!

11a. The abundance of abortion adverts in Austria (check out that alliteration, English GCSE!) confused me a tad.

11b. The fact that one of these adverts consisted of a picture of a pepper and a piece of chocolate confused me more. Suggestions are welcome.

12a. Planes with TV's on them are EXCITING.

12b. Planes with TV's on them that are broken and continuously wind-up/wind-down for the entire flight duration are comedy at its finest when in a speed-packing-induced-state-of-hysteria.

12c. Giggling into an in-flight magazine for 90 minutes is not really appreciated by serious businessmen.

13. I reiterate point 29 of September 2013. Not only has my hair now been dyed by a 13 year old, but also cut by them. This apparent super-hairdressing-ability far exceeds my capacity to half-adequately plait.

14. When in Germany, the fork is the dominant piece of cutlery.

Standard text convo...

15a. A water bottle should accompany you at all possible times. The bigger the better.

15b. Fanta can be bought in 3l bottles.

16a. GAIL EMMS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT DURING THE ONE YEAR I AM ABROAD FOR?! I am aware that this has nothing whatsoever to do with Germany, but I just had to get that out, sorry.

16b. To at least tie my last point into Germany slightly, I am very excited about going to the German Open this year. Kamilla Rytter Juhl and Christinna Pedersen, please get on it, as I really have no ''Bock auf'' having to endure China vs. China.


17. If it is possible for a chocolate selection to be too good, then the one in Germany is.

18a. I am greatly enjoying life in the 21st century with a phone that actually has the capacity to send/ receive/ texts/ calls.

18b. Oh, and Temple Run is alright, too.

19a. When in Germany, expect drinks with fizz. Upon returning home, I was surprised that I have grown rather accustomed to the pain involved with drinking at speed.

19b. England really needs to get on to the ''Apfelschorle'' bandwagon.

20. All TV worth watching starts at 20:15.

21. 'A quick guide to German TV:
''Extrem schön''= Extreme Makeover
''Die strengsten Eltern der Welt''= The world's strictest parents
''Das Supertalent''= BGT
''Ich bin ein Star – Holt mich hier raus!/ Das Dschungelcamp''= I'm a celeb
''Inspector Barnaby''= Midsomer Murders
''Zuhause im Gluck''= Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

22. I wouldn't have thought that England -> Germany jet-lag was possible. But ''boar, ey'' getting up at the equivalent of English 5AM on the first day back at school was, ahem, hard work.

23. In the German version of ''My Fair Lady'', she has a Berlin accent.

24a. Cheddar cheese is really quite difficult to locate.

24b. Ditto a variety of ready-made salads.

24c. Ditto most things. Germany, isle-labelling, isle-labelling, Germany. Please get acquainted in order to save me from having to shop at the too-pricey-for-a-student ''Rewe'', just because they vaguely inform me of where to find the chocolate.

25. I would never have thought that I would miss hearing about an ''unexpected item in bagging area'', but, oh England, self-service checkouts do actually have their advantages. Mainly the fact that you can pay s-l-o-w-l-y.

26. With the exception of Tomato Ketchup, Frankfurt at night is my favourite thing ever ever ever.

27. ''Curry Gewürz Ketchup'' is slowly catching up with Heinz in my mental-top-Ketchup-list.

28. ''Dinner for one'' should be watched at New Year.

29a. My English is bad. Sentences to come out of my mouth this month include: ''stell yourself in the Schlange hin'' and ''when I drived to school''. Go, me.

29b. Upon proof-reading this blog, I also came across the gem: Dinner for one must be cooked (I assume I got confused with ''geguckt''... )

30. My English accent has all but disappeared. Nowadays I appear to be less the farmer, more the confused Queen. I don't know how my inner Northerner feels about this.  


zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker- Refer to the package leaflet for risks and side effects and consult your doctor or pharmacist.
weg- gone
Signalwörter- words which signal that a certain tense must be used
Sachertorte- chocolate cake
Bock auf- to feel like doing
Apfelschorle- fizzy apple juice
stell yourself in the Schlange hin- get in the queue
geguckt- watched

December 2013

1. I will start with the most important life-lesson that I have learnt this month: how to play the cups. I am sure that this is a skill which will serve me well in life and, if I wasn't enough of a fidget before, I well and truly am one now when in the same vicinity as a plastic beaker.   

2a. To expand upon ''lesson 1'' of November, the voice of Benjamin Blümchen/ Chuck Norris is also that of the big, evil white orc in ''Der kleine Hobbit''. My childhood dreams of friendly, talking elephants are being shattered one voice at a time. Germany, I love you lots, but please don't do this to me.

2b. Also, after hearing ''Haribo macht Kinder fett, und Erwachsene merken's net. Sterben muss man sowieso, schneller geht's mit Haribo'', I will never look at ''Gummibärchen'' in just quite the same way again.

3a. Cons of ''Der kleine Hobbit'':

• Spiders. Lots of them. In 3D. For what seems like a very long while

(Now is, although, potentially the time to admit that I did actually Google exactly when the spider scene was - when Bilbo climbs the tree, aracnophobics of the world unite and look away - and I did manage to survive the scene relatively unscathed, only having seen a couple of spider-limbs through my scarf).

• When watched in German, although the dragon voice is very, well, dragon-y, it isn't quite Benedict Cumberbatch

3b. Pros of  ''Der kleine Hobbit'':

• Orlando Bloom
• Funny ginger dwarf (as a fellow red-head, I'm allowed to say that)
• Peter Jackson's directing
• In fact, the film in general. Go, watch

 4. There is such a thing as a cinema with leg-room. In fact, it gets even better; there is such a thing as a cinema with not only leg-room, but also with proper armchairs AND popcorn that is more pop and less corn.

5. In Germany, land of ''Vorsprung durch Technik'' and all that, it is possible to buy biscuit-scented toilet roll. I repeat, BISCUIT-SCENTED TOILET ROLL. No, I don't know why either.

6. There are a lot of film versions of ''Der Nussknacker''. After [surprisingly, unintentionally] watching four of these in the course of one evening (Barbie, Micky Mouse, Tom & Jerry and Tim Burton's version (don't judge me)), it's safe to say that the "Tanz der Zuckerfee" was with me for several days afterwards.

7. Nutella can be bought in 5kg jars.

8. Have hope, high streets of Britain; somewhere, in a land far, far away (aka Limburg), ''Woolworths'' still exists.

9. Germans are tall. After having spent the past 5 months debating as to whether I am just very short, Wikipedia has informed me that Germans are, on average, 1 inch taller than their British counterparts. I am taking this as a perfectly reliable excuse for my being constantly mistaken for a 13 year old.

10. It is possible to day-trip to France from Germany. This is a concept that I found particularly exciting as the most tropical option from home is normally, well, Scotland, which isn't exactly another country. Yet.

11. French (or, moreover, my lack of it) is just as scary now as it was at GCSE. After entering a particularly snazzy French chocolate shop (''apropos'', chocolate shop= the very fun to say ''Schokoladenladen'' ''auf Deutsch''), my response to being offered free chocolate (in French, obvs) was to shake my head and swiftly exit said shop. Not only did I refuse free food, but it was chocolate!

12. Strasbourg Christmas Market. Do. It.

13a. GEMA block a lot of YouTube videos.

 

13b. I do, however, miss BBC iPlayer more than unlimited YouTube access. And the odd bit of 40D's weird-and-wonderfulness.

14. Birthdays are kind of a big deal. Take this from someone who had 4 cakes.

 

15. Having a birthday which falls in the same week as "Nikolaus" is super, super exciting. I can, however, think of things which are better for the waistline.

16a. "The Voice of Germany" is far more "spannend" than the British version; I am talking live-internet-feedback straight after the performance, followed by the judges feedback, followed by the public vote. (See "lesson 29" of November re Germans doing "Rückmeldung" very well). 

 

16b. My inner mathematician is, however, a tad confuzzled as to how it is mathematically possible to receive 120% of the vote. 

17.  I have found the German word which, like the English "like" can, like be used in, like, any context. And I can already, like, tell, like just how much this has like increased my like language skills. Or not. Sorry, German speaking world, "es war halt so". 

 

18a. Christmas Crackers are a British thing. I am now seriously considering a back-up-career as a Christmas-Cracker-exporter-to-the-world-er. The world seriously needs more Christmas Crackers in it. You can never have too many Christmas Crackers. Ever.

18b. Ditto ''O Little Town of Bethlehem'' being relatively unknown. Much to my disappointment on Christmas Day, when the poor Church organist was seemingly only accompanied by yours truly. Who may or may not have been singing in the wrong language...
 

19. Brits clap to show appreciation, Germans knock on tables.

20. When using the word ''Applaus'', there are two possibilities:
a. You will get ''Applaus, Applaus für deine Worte'' sung back at you
b. You will have Sportfreunde Stiller's song as an ''Ohrwurm'' for the rest of the day
 
21. After returning to England for New Year, I have learnt that there is a place where Adel Tawil's song, ''Lieder'', is not repeated every five minutes on the radio. This saddens me slightly, so I've taken the opportunity to download it and learn the words so I can full-on-karaoke-it in the car when I get back.

22. I am old. The generation younger than me is not aware of the ''Spice Girls''. Or ''S Club 7''. Meaning that both my story of seeing ''Bradley'' whilst in a restaurant last year and my hidden-talent of [still] knowing all of the dance-moves to ''Reach'' are meaningless and irrelevant. It's a harsh reality, but I'll have to try to accept it and move on. I saw ''H'' from ''Steps'' at the pantomime a few years ago. ''Steps'', anyone? No? Ok. I'll stop now. And cry in a corner.

23. Germans do Christmas/ New Year greetings properly. Whilst the most that I normally have to offer is ''have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year'', the Germans don't appear to stop at ''frohe Weihnachten und einen guten Rutsch'', but rather they wish a whole number of things in addition: health, happiness, no stress, success etc., etc. This is VERY nice. England, ditch the generic sentence and get on it.

24. I underestimated how much I love cheddar cheese and arrived back in England craving nothing more than a good ol' cheese salad in the form of a Tesco meal-deal.

25. Highlight of flawed chat-up lines used on me whilst in Germany: '

'it has always been my dream to know a teacher''

- a man in a fairly respectable job, who clearly hadn't cottoned on to my being a language assistant, but who had, I assume, at some point, actually been to school and most probably know a teacher.

 

26. After having spent the majority of December getting particularly well acquainted with various strains of the common cold, I feel quite excited to currently have regained use of both my normal voice and my nostrils.

 

27. I speak considerably lower when I speak in German.

 

28. Hair cuts are wonderful things. After a few months of spending most of my badminton playing time with my ponytail in my face, but not quite having full faith in myself to get it cut in Germany in case I made a mistake and ended up with no hair or something equally as drastic, I have had it chopped and am back to enjoying unimpaired badminton vision.

 

29a. Hula-hooping is strenuous stuff and my hips are still bruised.

 

29b. Center Parcs rapids are just as exciting at age 21 as they were at age 5. 

30. Despite umming and arring last year as to whether to actually apply to do a teaching assistantship, I am absolutely loving, loving, loving it, and am SO chuffed that my contract has been extended.




Haribo macht Kinder fett, und Erwachsene merken's net. Sterben muss man sowieso, schneller geht's mit Haribo- Haribo makes children fat and adults don't notice it. You've got to die anyway; it's faster with Haribo.
Gummibärchen- Gummy bears
Der kleine Hobbit- The Hobbit
Vorsprung durch Technik- advancement through technology (Audi slogan)
Der Nussknacker- The Nutcracker
Tanz der Zuckerfee- The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy
Nikolaus- 6th December; children get presents (similar to Santa Claus)
spannend- exciting
Rückmeldung- feedback
es war halt so- it was just so
Applaus, Applaus für deine Worte- applause, applause for your words (song lyrics)
Ohrwurm- the noun referring to having a song stuck in your head
Lieder- songs
frohe Weihnachten und einen guten Rutsch- (loosely translated) merry Christmas and a happy New Year

November 2013

1. Chuck Norris has the same ''Synchronsprecher'' as Benjamin Blümchen.
Yes, I am referring to an extremely cute and cuddly cartoon elephant sharing a voice with the Chuck Norris, martial artist, all round hard-core guy and centre of the ''Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice''/ ''Chuck Norris can build a campfire under water''/ ''Chuck Norris once stared at the sun for hours. And then the sun blinked'' etc. jokes.

2. German bureaucracy exists. Believe the rumours. All of them. This month I have spent the majority of my time located somewhere under an extremely large pile of forms. In fact, over the past few weeks it has seemed as if I have been permanently engaged in a particularly intense battle against time: Jenny vs. German bureaucracy. I am yet to establish whether feeling the need to hibernate in order sleep off my form-filling-induced-stress means that I have come out on top of this.

3. It is possible for an English car to fail a ''TüV'' due to the headlamps being the wrong way round. I speak from experience in that doing so is highly stressful, very inconvenient and, in general, just not at all to be recommended, really.

3b. Headlamps are big.

4. After trying to register a car within a 2 hour time gap, I will now rethink before I ever again begin to moan about essay deadlines. For your personal entertainment, I shall expand upon this:
06:30: Alarm goes off.
07:00: Jenny drives to the ''Zulassungsstelle'' to register the car. Arrives 15 minutes too early. Is still not the first person there.
07:30: Jenny gets a ticket with a number on it and plans lessons until said number is called. (Ok, maybe I played a bit of Tetris too, but you get the idea).
07:40: The number on the ticket is called. Jenny produces a pile of papers higher than her (maybe a slight exaggeration, but only slight) and begins to register the car.
08:00: Jenny is asked for the ''Rechnung'' for the car. Despite having every single other document under the sun, she does not have (nor will she ever have) a ''Rechnung'' to prove her second-hand purchase of the car, mainly because, well, she did not purchase the car second-hand. The fact that the car has stayed within the family after its initial purchase appears to cause a bit of a problem.
08:15: It is decided, after a fair bit of debate, that the registration process will be continued. Jenny is happy about this.
08:17: It is discovered that the name on the insurance does not feature the middle name which Jenny's passport does. This is a big problem. Jenny must ring insurance company to request a new insurance number immediately.
08:18: Jenny realises that the insurance company do not open until 09:00.
08:19: Jenny plans to drive to work and finish the registration process the following day. She then realises that this is not possible due to the fact that the car is now no longer registered in England. Jenny realises that she is now, very glamorously, stuck in a car park. Jenny would really quite like some chocolate but this is not a luxury provided by the nearby field, so she settles for a cheese ''Brötchen'' instead.
08:20- 08:50: Jenny rings the insurance company at regular 5 minute intervals and regrets the fact that her iPod headphones/ reading book haven't quite made it to join her in said car park. Jenny people watches.
08:52: Jenny gets a new insurance number. Jenny is happy. Now is the time.
08:53: Jenny runs inside ready to complete registration process.
09:00: After waiting for a while, the registration process continues.
09:15: And continues.
09:30: And continues.
09:35: Jenny attempts to convey a sense of needing to hurry up.
09:36: Jenny selects her number plates. And is VERY EXCITED.
09:37: Jenny has to collect her number plates from nearby shop. This is on a different street. Jenny runs there.
09:40: Jenny arrives at shop and picks up said number plates. Jenny is then told that she was actually supposed to drive there so that the number plates can be put on the car.
09:41: Jenny runs back to the other street and drives back to have the number plates fitted.
09:43: Number plates are fitted and Jenny drives back to the ''Zulassungsstelle''.
09:45: Jenny is told that she has to leave her English number plates at the ''Zulassungsstelle''. This is a concept that confuses her slightly but, for fear of having to fill in another form in order to get them back again, she decides that her English number plates may rather enjoy a change of scene.
09:46: Jenny runs back to car to collect the English number plates.
09:47: Jenny hands in the English number plates and is then informed that the car must be inspected. Jenny isn't particularly chuffed by this concept.
09:48: Jenny and inspector-in-fluorescent-jacket  run to the car and the car is inspected.
09:50: Jenny runs back to the ''Zulassungsstelle'' to pick up any remaining paperwork. There is [surprisingly] none, so Jenny sprints back out to the car park and, not at all stressed, drives to work. 
09:55: Jenny's happy dance is short lived and she, along with her now fully registered car get stuck in traffic.

5. Getting ''Winterreifen'' for an English car in Germany is surprisingly fun. It involved a lot of [rather comical] phone calls to various companies in the area who all seemed to have only 3 of the 4 required tyres in the correct size. These phone calls were rewarded by After Eights, which the mechanic seemed to have been saving for a moment such as the one that he spent stuck with ''die Studentin mit dem englischen Auto''.

6. After having the ''Winterreifen'' put on the car it is normal to be able to keep your old tyres. No, I didn't realise this at the time. Yes, I did thank the mechanic for half an hour for being so kind (I mean, hello, he even gave me a giant carrier bag to put each wheel in, how nice of him was that?!). Oh, Britain, I probably really don't do much to help your reputation, I am sorry.

7. 7's and z's should be crossed horizontally through in the middle.

8. These Year Abroads make you grow up quickly. This month I achieved something no child could dream of: I used Superglue without sticking my fingers together. All by myself. Twice.  

9. How to slice ''Brötchen'' to Weihnachtsmarkt standard and speed. (For future reference: directly through the middle, leaving about 1 inch still attached).

10. Knives used for cutting ''Brötchen'' are sharp.

11. I can think of nothing that defines German efficiency better than the quality of their antifreeze. So far it's hit -4° and no ''kratzen'' has been required. Not even once.

12. ''Apropos'' temperature, it really is a tad chilly here in winter. And, despite my normal mentality of manning-up and whacking on another layer, even I have had to cave to purchasing myself a good, sensible, ''Winterjacke''. Germany, I hope you're proud.

13. The answer was ''Greifzange''. I can now enter/ exit car parks and have the luxury of remaining in the driver's seat whilst doing so (something which has seen me receive applause from colleagues). As surprising as it may be, I really will not particularly miss regularly skewering my knee on the gear-stick.

14. Reversing down 4 storeys of a multi-storey car park is an experience which I would really rather not repeat, thank you very much. (Please note, however: I did manage to do this without plummeting to my death. From now on I will only answer to the name Michael Schumacher).

15. Fiveteen.

16. Big scary matters of administration have snuggly abbreviations, such as ''GeKo'', which, despite sounding like a cute amphibian, actually refers to the rather less snuggly-situation otherwise known as a ''Gesamtkonferenz''.

17. A ''GeKo'' is immediately livened up when games are integrated. Queue a room full of 100+ teachers attempting to count to 3 without saying 1, 2, or 3. Entertainment at its finest.

18. Sherlock and Watson ''Siezen'' each other. Seeing as they're probably the first literary duo that spring to my mind, I found this a tad hard to get my head around.

19. ''Sie'' aka. the polite form of ''you'' isn't as scary as it seems. I would be the first person to admit that I do not have the best relationship with ''Sie''; I know when to use it and how to use it, and even how to conjugate verbs following it, but none of that changes the fact that I would rather exist in that safe-British-haven-of-never-quite-knowing-where-you-stand-with-anyone. HOWEVER, even though it does seem weird using it, the Germans really don't bat an eyelid and, after all, it is just being ''höflich'', which is something we Brits are supposed to be alright at, right?

20. Use the Autobahn. This was something that I had originally intended to avoid doing because it just sounded so big and scary and, ''vor allem'', so fast. Needless to say my avoiding the Autobahn lasted less than a week, and I realised that I was just going to have to grin-and-bear-it-and-join-the-world-of-traffic-without-a-speed-limit. I did, and I am now loving every minute of fast long distance travelling. (That is, to say, travelling as fast as a Ford Fiesta is ever going to travel).

21. A big thumbs-up for the brown and white Autobahn signs that explain all of the tourist attractions nearby and, generally, just make driving like one big history lesson.

22. Note to self: the blue and white Autobahn signs are a few hundred miles ahead of your thinking process. You are not going to mysteriously wind-up in Berlin just because the sign seems to suggest so.  

23. When in Germany, one does not drink tap water. There goes the good old British-student-trick of asking for a [free] jug of water for the table.

24. Coke and Fanta go together so well that they can even be purchased ready-mixed-together.

25. Ditto Ketchup and Mayo.

26. Schools have tables and chairs. Unfortunately my brain doesn't appear to have quite latched onto this concept yet, and I continue to only realise this once I've walked into them. 

27. English adverts for glasses are superior to German adverts for glasses. Sorry, Fielmann, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHx_5ruO17s) but you should have gone to Specsavers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KZeO5oc428).

28. The ''Werbung'' for Hornbach is GRIM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bASUnISmF8). So grim that I though that they specialised in helping people write their wills. A logical conclusion to draw from watching someone build a staircase and then die (along with the oh-so-cheerful-slogan of ''und was bleibt von Dir?''), oder? But, oh no, they are actually a DIY company (Brits, think B&Q).

29. Germans do ''Rückmeldung'' so well. Back in the day when I was at school, giving feedback was the chance to just tick everything and then talk about what you had had for tea the night before. This has apparently changed and I have witnessed even Simon Cowell's criticisms be well and truly blown out of the water by people born many a decade after him.

30. It is all about the ''Krimi''.

31. You know that good old classic British trick of speaking VERY LOUD English in an attempt avoid a situation abroad becoming awkward? Yep, that one. Don't pretend that you've never done it. Well... after having watched a group of Germans (in Germany) deliberately change language into English in a hopeful attempt to avoid awkwardness, I can reassure you that we are not the only ones who do it. I can hear you breathe a sigh of relief, there. You're welcome.

32. Speaking to cashiers in German in England causes much confusion. Yes, I admit, there was potentially a second in which I may possibly have forgotten what country I was in.

33. Surprises are the best. As was my housemate's expression when I turned up on her doorstep in Durham as an early-birthday surprise.

34. Although being in England was LOVELY, I will most probably have to be dragged away from Germany kicking and screaming at the prospect of having to return to summative essay writing next year.

35. There is no language in which road-rage can be so successfully conveyed as in German.


36. WhatsApp > BBM. So. I caved in and got WhatsApp. Whilst this may be the cheapest way of sending messages/ photos etc., my phone has been left rather confused (as have I) and has assigned all of the English landline contacts on my phone a +49 number. For several days I didn't quite understand why some of my non-German-speaking-friends had taken to posting statuses ranting at people/ declaring their love for people in German. And then I twigged that they weren't actually my non-German-speaking-friends, ''sondern'' real Germans who I don't actually know...

37. The wearing ear-plugs-at-concerts-thing (see lesson #29, October) depends on the concert. [Most] Avenged Sevenfold fans are too hard-core for that kind of stuff.

38. School trips are just as exciting in your 20's as they were back in the day. I even managed to get myself out of bed pre-5AM (after having got back from the airport at 2AM), such was my ''Klassenfahrt'' commitment.

39. If the worst comes to the worst, after navigating people around London for a weekend, I at least have a job as a tour-guide.

40. Nordic walking is everywhere.

Finally, not one lesson learned, but many. I have nothing more to say than: visit a Concentration Camp.

 


Synchronsprecher- person who overdubs the voices on films/ news reports etc.
TüV- German version of the MOT
Zulassungsstelle- registration office
Rechnung- receipt
Brötchen- bread roll
Winterreifen- winter tyres
die Studentin mit dem englischen Auto- the student with the English car (I feel as if this sums this month up fairly well)
kratzen- to scrape [ice]
Apropos- on the subject of
Winterjacke- coat for the winter
Greifzange- litter-picking-stick
Gesamtkonferez- general staff meeting 
Siezen- to use ''Sie'' to each other
Sie- the polite form of ''you'', used with people you don't know that well
höflich- polite
vor allem- above all
Werbung- advert
und was bleibt von Dir?- and what remains of you?
oder- or
Rückmeldung- feedback
Krimi- whodunnit
Klassenfahrt- class trip