April 2014

After 8 months, I am just beginning to come to terms with supressing my Englishness and embracing my Germanness, and can now:

1). Just about manage to begin a conversation without mentioning the weather.

2). Just about manage to have a conversation without mentioning the weather.

3). Just about manage to finish a conversation without mentioning the weather. *

*NB. I have, however, established that if England has a smell it is, without a shadow of a doubt, rain on concrete.

4). Stand in a non-orderly ''queue''. *

*NB. I haven't quite got the glare-at-the-back-of-the-heads-of-queue-jumpers-reflex under control yet, but will keep you updated on my progress.

5). Come to terms with the fact that speed, not small talk, is valued at checkouts.

6). Eat the last biscuit. Although this one is an on-going battle.

7). Introduce myself on the telephone (which should, apparently, be the first thing that you do; none of this ''hello, erm, I was potentially, maybe, wondering if there might theoretically be a possibility that you could perhaps answer a query that I may have'' business). I am still incapable of coming out with ''hello, my name is Salisbury'' whilst maintaining a completely straight face, and also distinctly miss being able to add as many adverbs as conceivably possible into one sentence, but my phone bills have not suffered as a result of this progress.

8). Introduce myself using my name. Shocking I know, but I do normally have the very British tendency to leave people to play the guessing game.*

* NB. I can actually only think of one occasion in England where I properly introduced myself (interviews and ice-breaker-related-activities excluded), and I was called Janet for the rest of the day. So, erm, yeah, it went well.

9). Introduce myself in general. Even if it involves hand shaking in a non-badminton-related-context. Just about (ie. whilst being simultaneously fairly limited by my British formality-related-awkwardness).

10). Half-function using a language which does not have a direct translation for the word ''awkward''.

11). Be barged into without feeling the need to apologise profusely for standing in the way. I admit, sometimes, the sorry reflex does  still just spring into automatic action, though.

12). Say ''great/ super/ [insert any positive adjective here]'' without meaning it ironically. Although I'm not entirely sure whether or not I've quite mastered the accompanying tone of voice yet.

13). Express my opinion in a format other than a strongly worded email. ie. to real life people. This is slow progress, and I've currently reached around the ''say-whether-I-want-Cola-or-Sprite-level''...

14). Supress the shopaholic inside of me who wants to do nothing but shop on Sundays. There is no shopping on Sundays, not in Germany.*

*NB. I don't really think I've ever been one to actually shop on Sundays, but I find the fact that there is one day a week where chocolate is not all too readily available rather scary.

15). Exit the house on a sunny day where the pollen-count is high without being stopped and interrogated as to why I am crying*. Although I feel hay fever epitomises all that is English within me, to my relief German eye-drops epitomise all that is German and efficient, and no more tears are required.

*N.B. Sadly, this is not a metaphor and happened on several occasions.

16). Parallel park. Luckily this was not a manoeuvre which cropped up on my driving test, otherwise I may not have been brumming around Deutschland since August. But, after realising that Frankfurt , astonishingly, is actually a city with traffic and cars, and that German directness is also represented in their willingness to honk, I have manned up and can just about deal with a 15m gap between cars.

17). Cope with the British lack of enthusiasm to acknowledge a fellow Brit in a foreign country. I WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY, Londoners in caravan who were less than impressed by my hellos. I know society dictates that we have to ignore each other on public transport, but we were in the middle of a field. In Bayern. I was desperate.

18). Deal with car-park-barriers being on the wrong side. My mad-skills have now developed to the point where I have also experienced being too fast for the barrier. Aka. I have driven  directly into it in my climbing-out-of-and-back-into-the-car-frenzy.

19). Restrain my urge to put kisses on the end of texts. The Germans do not do this.

20). Go a day* without wearing a skirt, or a dress, or an item of floral-related clothing.

*N.B. By day, I mean the waking hours. I am far too British to not crawl back home and straight into flowery pyjamas.

March 2014

1. Neronia's newest CD, Limnotapes, is out now and available from all of the usual music stockists. Go, buy. And, just in case it helps to push you along in your purchasing, I'm featured in the dedications. Da da da boom.

2a. With regards to lesson number 12 of last month, I have since been corrected by a proper authentic German that the storage place of preference for water bottles is actually the cellar. In the unfortunate case that a cellar is not available, then the corridor features as the next location on the water-bottle-storage-hierarchy.

2b. One does not drink from the tap. This results in a prevalence of water bottles which, after their contents has been consumed, can be returned to the shop and exchanged for a percentage of their original price. Aka. ''Pfand''. Aka. I currently have 16 water bottles in my racket bag which require ''dringend'' attention/ organisation.

3a. Never underestimate the value of being able to hear. After spending the majority of this month randomly unable to hear on one side, I am now relieved to say the least at being able to enjoy the world at full volume again.

3b. While I feel as if my English is getting worse by the day, my English lip-reading skills remain far superior than my German ones.

4a. Professor McGonagall is ''per Sie'' with Harry Potter. No German lesson could have ever prepared me for that shock. HE IS AN 11 YEAR OLD SCHOOL BOY. HOW DOES THAT WORK?!

4b. Much to my relief, HP is at least ''per Du'' with Hagrid.

4c. I don't feel that it is really possible to adequately overdub Alan Rickman.

5. Gordon Bennett was a racing driver and actually existed! Sorry, mate, for abusing your name in all tricky situations.

6a. It's not normally a good idea to drive too quickly near speed cameras...

6b. ...Or to park without a ''Parkscheibe''...

6c. It is, however, [THANKFULLY] possible to escape both of these situations without any points on your driving license/ without a driving ban.  

7. I am not sure whether this lesson is:
a). Hair dye doesn't always dye your hair the colour it says on the packet.
or
b). Don't [attempt to] dye bleached hair purple.
or maybe even
c). Just don't play with hair dye.
But, whatever it is, after winding up with super attractive pink/ grey hair, I am currently in the process of getting used to having a bob (ie. hair which saves me 10 minutes in the mornings as it is barely capable of being scraped back into a ponytail, let alone being plaited).

8. Whilst you can take the girl out of the city, but not the city out of the girl (and all that), you can still take photos of her looking concerned and holding a duck.

9. ''He, she, it, das 's' muss mit''.

10. Local businesses are appreciated more in ''Deutschland''.  

11a. German radio appears to have a great love for ''Eye of the tiger'', which makes for a fairly intense driving soundtrack.

11b. Ditto for James Blunt. Which is slightly less epic.

12. There is, seemingly, a stereotype of British people not having dishwashers. As someone who comes from potentially one of many non-dishwasher-owning-households-in-Britain, I DID NOT KNOW THAT THIS WAS A THING?!

13. This hand sign is, in fact, a ''Leisezeichen'', and implies ''Mund zu, Ohren auf!''. Not the ''rock on'' sign, which left me a tad confused for many a month.

14a. The Romans settled in Frankfurt. Meaning that I live within about 10 minutes from the Saalburg, a Roman fort. Standard. Someone somewhere knew I missed living near Hadrian's Wall too much.
 
14b. The Romans really were all that they are made up to be. Said Roman fort is situated on a painfully steep hill, which my baby the Ford Fiesta does not like one bit (in other words, if I make it up in 2nd gear, we're having a good day). Big respect to you, people of 90AD, for making it up to the top without a Lamborghini.

15a. It rains a lot in England. Here, across the channel, summer is on its way and I am, again, faced with the minor issue of having a wardrobe which is only really appropriate for various forms of water (obviously not of the frozen kind) coming from the sky.

15b. On the plus side, I own footwear vaguely resembling ''Hausschuhe'' and my fluorescent pink trainers appear to be considered as everyday footwear here, so all is looking fine and dandy in the shoe department.

16a. There are a lot of words in the English language for rain.

16b. There are lots of bread-related words in the German language.

16c. I feel this sums up both countries rather aptly.

17a. Germany has a tendency towards naming its streets/ schools after people. These names will be separated with a hyphen. A particular highlight this month was ''William-Shakespeare-Ring'' .

17b. Although their names go against my aforementioned rule, I was greatly amused to find the neighbouring streets of ''William-Shakespeare-Ring'' to be ''Liverpoolstraße'', ''Oxforderstraße'', and ''Westminsterstraße''.

18. ''Abitur'' has introduced me to the fact that there is a debate as to whether Shakespeare existed/ wrote his works himself. I don't know how I feel about the potential of going back to England and not necessarily believing in Shakespeare...

19a. There is currently a ''Sahara-Staubwolke'' over Germany, hence the reason that the sky looks so grotty/ red. My mind is blown.

19b. There are stars in the sky at night. Manchester, you have robbed me of this for too long.

19c. There are earthquakes in Germany.

19d. It is possible to sleep through the earth shaking.

20. It was ''sehr schön'' to see my Mama.




Pfand- getting money back for old bottles
dringend- urgent
per Sie- to use the polite form of 'you'
per Du- to use the informal form of 'you'
Parkscheibe- a blue thing with a rotating clock face, which you have to set to display the time that you parked at
He, she, it, das 's' muss mit- he, she, it, the 's' has to go with (used in English lessons)
Deutschland- Germany
Leisezeichen- hand sign used when silence is required
Mund zu, Ohren auf!- mouth closed, ears open
Hausschuhe- footwear worn around the house (or slippers, with a practicality level x10)
Abi- A Levels
Straße- street
Sahara-Staubwolke- not that I'm any bit the geography expert, but basically a cloud of sand from the Sahara
sehr schön- very nice

January 2014

1. It's not a proper advert if it doesn't end with: ''zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker''

2. Forgetting to bring a suitcase on a Year Abroad= potentially not the best move by yours truly. Fortunately, this has now been rectified and 2014 will hopefully bring with it less shampoo/deodorant/[insert liquid here]-still-in-hand-luggage situations...

3. People in England are too polite. During a shopping trip whilst back at home, lady-at-checkout couldn't seem to bear to inform me that I had actually coppered up with the entirely wrong currency and, instead, silently waited until I cottoned on to the fact that a pile of Euros isn't normally much help when trying to buy things in Manchester.

4. Being stopped in a car at gun-point is scary. Even if it did actually turn out to be a wandering wild boar that was being sought out, not me.

5a. With the exception of the aforementioned 'what do you do when there is someone stood in the middle of the road pointing a gun at you' situation, it is actually possible to go for a month without car-drama. This is something that reassures me greatly for life in general.

5b. SatNavs lie. No, the middle of a field wasn't exactly my destination of intent. Surprising, I know. Dear dog walkers, I know now that cars aren't allowed on footpaths in woods, BUT THE SATNAV MADE ME.

6. Germany is cold. As is my car in the mornings. In an attempt to cope with said lack of heat, and after several mornings without feeling in my hands, I have had to resort to purchasing a steering-wheel cover. Unfortunately, the only one that I was able to locate was not only bright yellow, but also fluffy. So, yeah, whatever cool points I ever may have had are now well and truly ''weg''.

7a. The Germans know way more about English grammar than the English.

7b. I am now unable to use the ''past progressive'' without conjuring up a mental image of a list of ''Signalwörter''.

7c. The English grammar rules for comparatives/ superlatives are super clever.

8. After a lovely weekend with lovely people, I have established the fact that Vienna is lovely. Go, see.

9. Forgetting that I was actually supposed to be going to ''Wien'' until that morning was not my finest hour. It was, however, a very nice surprise when I eventually remembered.

10. Upon research, I discovered that ''Sachertorte'' is what one eats when in Vienna. Viennese Whirls are apparently ''a British confection'' according to the all-knowing Wikipedia. You learn something new, as they say!

11a. The abundance of abortion adverts in Austria (check out that alliteration, English GCSE!) confused me a tad.

11b. The fact that one of these adverts consisted of a picture of a pepper and a piece of chocolate confused me more. Suggestions are welcome.

12a. Planes with TV's on them are EXCITING.

12b. Planes with TV's on them that are broken and continuously wind-up/wind-down for the entire flight duration are comedy at its finest when in a speed-packing-induced-state-of-hysteria.

12c. Giggling into an in-flight magazine for 90 minutes is not really appreciated by serious businessmen.

13. I reiterate point 29 of September 2013. Not only has my hair now been dyed by a 13 year old, but also cut by them. This apparent super-hairdressing-ability far exceeds my capacity to half-adequately plait.

14. When in Germany, the fork is the dominant piece of cutlery.

Standard text convo...

15a. A water bottle should accompany you at all possible times. The bigger the better.

15b. Fanta can be bought in 3l bottles.

16a. GAIL EMMS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT DURING THE ONE YEAR I AM ABROAD FOR?! I am aware that this has nothing whatsoever to do with Germany, but I just had to get that out, sorry.

16b. To at least tie my last point into Germany slightly, I am very excited about going to the German Open this year. Kamilla Rytter Juhl and Christinna Pedersen, please get on it, as I really have no ''Bock auf'' having to endure China vs. China.


17. If it is possible for a chocolate selection to be too good, then the one in Germany is.

18a. I am greatly enjoying life in the 21st century with a phone that actually has the capacity to send/ receive/ texts/ calls.

18b. Oh, and Temple Run is alright, too.

19a. When in Germany, expect drinks with fizz. Upon returning home, I was surprised that I have grown rather accustomed to the pain involved with drinking at speed.

19b. England really needs to get on to the ''Apfelschorle'' bandwagon.

20. All TV worth watching starts at 20:15.

21. 'A quick guide to German TV:
''Extrem schön''= Extreme Makeover
''Die strengsten Eltern der Welt''= The world's strictest parents
''Das Supertalent''= BGT
''Ich bin ein Star – Holt mich hier raus!/ Das Dschungelcamp''= I'm a celeb
''Inspector Barnaby''= Midsomer Murders
''Zuhause im Gluck''= Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

22. I wouldn't have thought that England -> Germany jet-lag was possible. But ''boar, ey'' getting up at the equivalent of English 5AM on the first day back at school was, ahem, hard work.

23. In the German version of ''My Fair Lady'', she has a Berlin accent.

24a. Cheddar cheese is really quite difficult to locate.

24b. Ditto a variety of ready-made salads.

24c. Ditto most things. Germany, isle-labelling, isle-labelling, Germany. Please get acquainted in order to save me from having to shop at the too-pricey-for-a-student ''Rewe'', just because they vaguely inform me of where to find the chocolate.

25. I would never have thought that I would miss hearing about an ''unexpected item in bagging area'', but, oh England, self-service checkouts do actually have their advantages. Mainly the fact that you can pay s-l-o-w-l-y.

26. With the exception of Tomato Ketchup, Frankfurt at night is my favourite thing ever ever ever.

27. ''Curry Gewürz Ketchup'' is slowly catching up with Heinz in my mental-top-Ketchup-list.

28. ''Dinner for one'' should be watched at New Year.

29a. My English is bad. Sentences to come out of my mouth this month include: ''stell yourself in the Schlange hin'' and ''when I drived to school''. Go, me.

29b. Upon proof-reading this blog, I also came across the gem: Dinner for one must be cooked (I assume I got confused with ''geguckt''... )

30. My English accent has all but disappeared. Nowadays I appear to be less the farmer, more the confused Queen. I don't know how my inner Northerner feels about this.  


zu Risiken und Nebenwirkungen lesen Sie die Packungsbeilage und fragen Sie Ihren Arzt oder Apotheker- Refer to the package leaflet for risks and side effects and consult your doctor or pharmacist.
weg- gone
Signalwörter- words which signal that a certain tense must be used
Sachertorte- chocolate cake
Bock auf- to feel like doing
Apfelschorle- fizzy apple juice
stell yourself in the Schlange hin- get in the queue
geguckt- watched

October 2013

1. It seems that I apparently know (just about) enough about New York to manage to spontaneously fill a 90 minute lesson. I always knew that I was gaining valuable knowledge by reading ''The Devil Wears Prada'' so frequently.

2. Ditto the rules of cricket, which I was previously unaware that I actually knew at all, let alone could chatter on about for a good half an hour. Nothing like a bit of latent knowledge.

3. The same does not, however, apply to my knowledge of the state of the Canadian oil industry. Or of suicide rates amongst the Eskimo population.

4. Documents required to have an MOT in Germany: certificate of motor insurance, registration certificate, breakdown cover and a COC certificate. The latter can be likened to the Holy Grail in terms of ease of availability and, although it has not completely eluded me (my name derives from Guinevere, after all), for some reason my copy is in Dutch, which is, well, erm, not particularly helpful.

5.  How to [theoretically] light the ''Kamin''. This does, however, appear to be a refined art which I haven't quite got the grasp of yet, and I am still at the stage in my Kamin-lighting-learning-process where I seem to do a rather good job of continually un-lighting it.

6. The Bodensee is beaut. Being situated on the borders of Germany, Austria and Switzerland, though, prepare also to be in a constant state of confusion as to which country you are actually currently in.

7. Indication at roundabouts is minimal if one could call it at all existent. Waiting to find out which direction cars are actually intending to go in is, however, a big NO NO. No, instead of waiting, the rule seems to be one of: ''just drive. And honk at everyone who isn't doing likewise''. Needless to say, this seems to result in roundabout traffic being fairly stationary due to the fact that everyone has ''just driven'' at exactly the same time.

8. There are certain situations that just are not ideal for a Brit. Oh, dear Aldi, how your shopping-trolley-scrums do scare me slightly. Yours, a flattened customer squashed into a metal crate at the side of the aisle.

9. Schloß Neuschwanstein is neither pink (a la the Disneyland Paris castle) nor resembles Gondor (Lord of the Rings). Five year old me, I had trusted your memory for so long.

10. There are really far easier things to attempt to draw than Schloß Neuschwanstein. That said, though, I have gained a new found respect for its builders. A few less towers would have made my life a tad easier, but props to you for managing it, Ludwig II.

11. Ditto attempting to draw all of the tourist attractions on London's Piccadilly Line. Yes, this does [unfortunately] include both Buckingham Palace and The National Gallery. Van Gogh watch out, the Teaching Assistant is on her way.

12. How to carve a pumpkin. (Even if, to match my ungrizzlyness- yes that is now a word- it did feature multiple stars and a smiling moon).

13. How to use a Swiss Army knife.

14. Funerals (ditto heart attacks) are grim no matter what country they take place in.

15. It is possible to read for fun. I'm sure that I knew how to do this at one point (in fact, make that positive- I was that child who read all the way through Harry Potter on the day it came out AFTER waiting in the queue for its midnight release), but somewhere in the midst of this further-education-and-reading-lists-malarkey it has become a foreign concept.

16. Knock knock jokes (even if they are really bad) are hilarious when you unexpectedly find a book of them amongst unwanted English resources in a staff room. My highlight so far has been:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Diane.
Diane who?
Dai will be angry when Wales lose.

17. My lack of an accent complying with Queen's English results in some fairly interesting guesses as to which alien part of the world I actually originate from. Guesses so far have included New York and, the particularly English-speaking, Munich.

18. How to feed a monkey.

19. There is always ''Stau'' on the A3. It is, in fact, Hessen's ''Lieblingsstau'' (according to local radio), although I assume that this is a relationship which can be likened to the metaphor of the M25 being England's biggest car park.

20. How to live a life full of risks. Namely, how to successfully spend the afternoon at a giant playground (intended mainly for those under 130cm) situated comfortably within the catchment area of my school. To expand upon my definition of ''successfully'', I mean that I encountered none of my dearest pupils whilst riding around in [very slow] circles on a giant pink duck. (I did, however, encounter one later in the day, but this was at a supermarket and, although the 1kg bag of multi-coloured marshmallows that I was carrying at the time did somewhat prevent it from being my most dignified moment, at least my year 5 missed my being stuck at the top of a dysfunctional ferris wheel).

21. Denglish provides much amusement. Some of my current favorite examples include: ''die Bromance des Jahres'' (Voice of Germany) and ''LadyFit'' (a local gym), not to forget the classic ''das Happy-End'' or ''der McJob''.

22. Germany looks remarkably different without Angela Merkel peering out from many an election poster.

23. There are better wake-up calls than being hit on the head by a giant Spiderman poster at 4 in the morning.

24. The girl who had a phobia of dogs at age 12 has now turned into an expert dog walker.

25. As someone with self-confessed arachnophobia, navigating with a confused Sat-Nav around a town that I don't know gains a whole new particularly-tricky-dimension when said town has decided to put up posters advertising a ''Spinnen-Ausstellung'' on every single lamppost. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO GET HOME, I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE MULTIPLE HAIRY ORANGE TARANTULAS.

26. By law, the same book will be sold for the same price regardless of which shop the book is being sold in. German efficiency strikes again. Just think what else you could have achieved during all of that time that you spent shopping around to find a good deal, Brits.

27. If I had a cent for every time that Nena says ''ich freue mich'' on the Voice of Germany, I would be well on my way to affording the ''Ponyhof'' that she also mentions so frequently.

28. ''Ee knov'' is a much more exciting option than plain-old ''I know''.

29. In Germany people wear earplugs at concerts. Yes, as someone who normally works by the logic of ''I paid to hear the music, so I will hear the music'' it confused me slightly, too.

30. It is official. My Year Abroad has turned me into a to-do-list-juggling-form-filling-machine-administration-ninja.

31. In a country where winter brings with it the requirement of special car types (''Winterreifen''), winter clothing is also a concept not to be underestimated. In my attempt to pack lightly, this part of my wardrobe (namely ''Wasserdicht'' shoes with ''Profil'' and anything thicker than a cardigan) is lacking slightly. German winter, I will conquer you even if it does mean that I have to wear all of my 5 cardigans at once Michelin-man-style. AND, in doing so, you will not hear me complain. Not even once. Namely because, after realising that my go-to conversation starter is normally something along the lines of ''I'm cold'', I have made a Year Abroad resolution to tame the Brit in me and not complain about the weather.  

32. With my lack of practical clothing, I at least tick some boxes in the fact that I appear to conform to the German stereotype of British clothing (''lots of layers and lots of flowery patterns'') sufficiently.

33. Ditto my ginger-hair-and-freckles-combo making me, in general, every part the stereotypical Brit.

34. Selecting the calligraphy option on the Smart Board automatically makes you look like a handwriting expert.  (Please note, however, this only works if the board has been calibrated correctly. If not, it just looks like you've heartlessly killed many a spider).

35. The answer is always ''Knoblauch''. It's a good job that it's one of the best words ever because it is everywhere: as a surname, as a business name and, of course, in food.




Kamin- fireplace
Stau- traffic jam
Lieblingsstau- favourite traffic jam
die Bromance des Jahres- the bromance of the year
das Happy-End- the happy endING
der McJob- low-pay-job
Spinnen-Ausstellung- spider exhibition
ich freue mich- I am glad
Ponyhof- pony farm
Winterreifen- winter car tyres
Wasserdicht- waterproof
mit Profil- with good treads
Knoblauch- garlic

September 2013

1. When I grow up I would really quite like a Mercedes. If this is not possible, I can probably just about compromise and settle for a Bugatti. I see no reason why this is not a perfectly logical ambition for someone whose CV heavily features floor mopping. (Yes, the Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung is to blame for my potential delusion).

2. There is a difference between an ''Automobil'' and an ''Auto''. Namely the price tag.

3. Even the IAA isn't too swanky to employ many a floor mopper.

4. Bleach should be kept away from clothing. Unless, of course, you are purposefully attempting to tie-dye your pyjamas.

5. When recycling bottles it is perhaps advisable to ensure that the bottle is, in fact, empty, before tipping it upside down. Failing to do this results in spending a day at school with a cardigan smelling of (albeit alcohol-free) beer.

6. The flies in the car park are mosquitoes, do not smile at them and then leave the car door open for them to have a new playground. They will bite you. Lots.

7. Hornets actually exist and they are big and scary. Ok, maybe I did [just about] know that they existed, but in, like, Narnia, not in Germany of all places. Ditto wild boars.

8. There are a lot of things that I would rather do than attempt to drive a car with the steering wheel located on the right-hand side into a car park where the barrier is operated from the left-hand side. Oddly, though, whilst my undignified flailing/ falling out of the passenger side window at said car park barriers is not the slightest bit amusing to me, others seem to disagree.

9. Those funny-litter-picking-stick-things are not easily available for purchase. This is very sad because, up to now, this is the best suggestion I have received for tackling this minor car park barrier issue of mine.

10. There are certain situations which one should not have to deal with before 10AM. Entering a multi-storey car park (tackling the barrier on the way in, ''natürlich'') to discover that you do not have any money whatsoever and that the only option (other than using the 75 cent profit that could have been gained from collecting the ''Pfandflaschen'' residing in the car) is therefore to drive VERY QUICKLY out of the car park again (hello, barrier #2) is one of them.

11. Having a concerned driver follow you into a petrol station and, in very broken English, ask if you are really certain that you are legally old enough to drive in Germany is slightly awkward.

12. What the ''Ampelmann'' says goes. When in Germany one does not jaywalk. Even if there are no cars coming. Thank you, pedestrian-waiting-at-the-traffic-lights-on-my-drive-to-school for demonstrating this lesson so perfectly when I drove past 5 minutes later to you, still, waiting patiently on the pavement.

13. If I ever need to drive up/ down a metal ramp with a  80% incline, a Land Rover [rather perilously] fits the bill.

13. ''Na'' is the best German word ever invented and saves the immense effort involved in ever having to say ''wie geht's'' before 7AM.

14. Ditto ''gell'' and ''ne'' if you ever can't quite be bothered to change the intonation of your voice when trying to ask a question.

15. If you want to buy tights, with the widest tight selection I have ever seen, Germany is by far the place to do so.

16. Whilst the German workplace dress code does slightly struggle to set me apart from your average Year 9, I have easily become used to this whole wear-your-jeans-to-work thing. So much so that, being the rebellious Brit that I am, I have had to acquire more jeans.

17. There are not many gingers in Germany. A fact which was proven by checkout-man-at-my-regular-petrol-station who, after attempting to charge me €100 just to see my reaction, proceeded to shout VERY LOUD chat-up lines after me and over the heads of a queue of unsuspecting customers as I left, just because my hair was ''so schön''. It's only ginger, mate, it's not that exciting.

18. Germany has done the impossible and invented walkable-innable-heels. I should be restrained from shops which sell these in the future. Two pairs of new shoes in the space of a week (three, if you include ''Hausschuhe'' ) is a tad excessive, even for you, Jennifer.

19. The ''Hausmeister'' has all of the power. As do I now that I possess keys for the school and a pigeon hole.

20. Germany appears to have the same relationship to ''Schlager'' as we do to One Direction; whilst we moan and groan at the mere mention of them, most of us know every word.

21. Courtesy of the rather cool guy with the hat on the right, I now know how to make coal. Should this ever be a skill that you need, just remember, I'm your person. All I need is a tent, lots of wood, a spot in the forest to build my 4m wide mud hut and approximately fourteen days. Easy stuff.  

22. Checking for upcoming concerts is procrastination time well spent. Front row for seeing the fave band in a hall with a capacity of 1000 isn't too shoddy when you consider that they had sold out two nights at both the MEN Arena and Wembley the following week.

23. The quirks of rural Germany never cease to be beaut. The town news (''Dorffunk'') being broadcast over tannoys attached to the side of houses is my current fave.

24. Nothing smells as good as the ''Kamin'' being on.

25. Getting wood for the ''Kamin'' is called ''Holzaktion'' for a reason. And is a very fun and price-efficient alternative to a gym membership.

26. Teaching prepositions to a class of 9 year olds becomes drastically more interesting for them when it involves the use of a cuddly toy. That said, though, there have been occasions upon which I have felt slightly more sophisticated than during the hours which I spent sitting in the staff room sharing my chair with a giant teddy.

27. Surprisingly, England appears to have a wider selection of ''Joghurt mit der Ecke'' than Germany.

28. Tractors are big.  

29. 13 year olds make far better hair dressers than their age may suggest.

30. Birthdays are kind of a big deal.

31. You cannot buy party poppers in Germany. This, therefore, makes them VERY EXCITING. Ditto Christmas Crackers.

32. After having been here for a month already, the length of time when it is acceptable to buy a different Ritter Sport in every shop I enter, just because they ''don't have them in England'' has probably passed.

33. The high-5 dominates the German badminton scene. No more of this tame, British, hand-shaking stuff.

34. Live basketball is ''sehr spannend''.

35. German mathematical symbols are not the same as English mathematical symbols. While I do, perhaps surprisingly, still have a grasp upon Year 8 linear equations, doing these using what feels like a different alphabet is definitely keeping my grey matter well exercised.

36. Checkouts at German supermarkets are operated at the SPEED OF LIGHT. There is not time for any of this polite-British-chat-to-the-cashier-business. Just throw the stuff into a bag. Any bag. In fact, anything vaguely resembling a bag. And pay. Quickly. You have been warned, my friends, you have been warned.

37. My English film knowledge is shocking. Yes, I have now seen Spiderman. No, I haven't quite yet got around to watching Titanic.

38. Germany could really do with a Great British Bake Off equivalent. The new ''Kocharena''  (''Grill den Henssler'') will do for now, though. There's really nothing better than a good ol' beetroot-soup-making-competition.

39. Being able to function before 8AM appears to really be a skill that you need here. And it is one that I have now got NAILED, with my morning routine now operating with a down-to-the-minute-precision. Unfortunately, this morning ninja-ness appears to be at the expense of my previous night-owl-ness, and, come 10PM, some serious zzzzzzzzzzzzz's are needed.

40. We Brits actually really do talk about the weather a lot. So much so that I have to really restrain myself from making instinctive comments about how cold/ warm I am during awkward silences.




Automobil- a vehicle well out of the price range of a teaching assistant
Auto- a car well suited to humble teaching assistants such as myself
natürlich- of course
Pfandflaschen- bottles yet to have been returned to the shop in exchange for money back
Ampelmann- the green/ red traffic light man
na- how are you?
wie geht's?- how are you?
gell- ...right?
ne- ...right?
so schön- so beautiful
Hausschuhe- footwear worn around the house (think Birkenstock, or similar, shoes)
Hausmeister- caretaker
Schlager-  that kind of cheesy country music genre often so well represented during the Eurovision Song Contest
Dorffunk- local news, transmitted via speakers positioned around the village
Kamin- fireplace
Holzaktion- the act of chopping up trees in the forest, heaving the logs onto a trailer and driving them back to the house (this is then repeated many times until the pile in the forest is no more)
Joghurt mit der Ecke- Müller corner
sehr spannend- very exciting
Kocharena (Grill den Henssler)- cooking show featuring Steffen Henssler and his vaguely-famous-guests engaging in various culinary challenges

August 2013

1. Car ignitions and spark plugs simultaneously breaking results in a terrifying hour spent crawling along the Belgian motorway at a maximum speed of 42 miles per hour.

2. Driving at 42 miles per hour on the Belgian motorway annoys even the slowest of lorry drivers.

3. Just in case you ever need them, I would wholeheartedly recommend the breakdown services on the ring road outside Brussels. Our driver spoke 5 languages fluently and we were back on our way within 3 hours. Not to mention the fact that he had an encyclopaedic knowledge of Fawlty Towers.

4. As fun as having a car towed away actually is, there are probably more fun ways to pass time than sitting in a Ford Garage reading Beauty and the Beast in Flemmish and watching an overdubbed American series on fishing for tuna.

5. The German breakdown services are also highly efficient. Yes, I did experience being towed away twice in a week. No, it (luckily) wasn't the same car.

6. Whilst driving on the wrong side of the road is actually not so bad (with the exception of overtaking, which leaves me extremely tempted to continue on the left...!), the admin associated with having an English car in Germany is. I currently possess 5 Green Cards. I repeat, 5.

7. Having a car with the wheel ''auf der falschen Seite'' appears to be a constant source of novelty for all Germans who I encounter.

8. Getting stopped by the police in the pitch black on a country road is really quite scary. Even if I did know that I was neither a). speeding b). drunk nor c). an escaped criminal. Admittedly, the expression on the policeman's face when he looked in through the left hand window and saw no driver was, however, minorly hysterical.

9. Petrol is confusing and there are too many unleaded options. My car needs ''Super''. The fact that there is also ''Super Plus'' and ''Super E10'' petrol has resulted in my becoming extremely paranoid with regards to filling up.

10. I am too British and need to learn to man up and not leave a miniscule amount in the bottom of bottles of water on the dinner table for fear of mortally offending anyone. The Germans find this rather a strange habit.

11. Ditto the last slice of bread/ the last biscuit/ the last few crisps.

12. The same applies to this overly-polite-carefully-worded-question-formulating-beating-around-the-bush British habit that I appear to have. Just spit it out, woman.

13. Saying what you mean, whilst a foreign concept to me and many Brits, is actually surprisingly effective and I am now debating whether this forms the basis for all of this German efficiency malarkey that we so often hear about.

14. I cannot find an English explanation that sufficiently describes a German ''Fest''.

15. The Germans do ''grillen'' better than anyone.

16. Ditto sausages.

17. Ditto sweets. The Viba Nougatstange (basically a stick of Nutella) is the best invention since Cadbury Dairy Milk. In fact, just ditto most foods. Germany, you have got it right in the food department. England, sort it out.

18. I can now do a front flip. Unfortunately, during the process of learning to do this, I have split my lip open and acquired an extremely blue (and potentially broken) nose and swollen knee. You do the detective work, my little Sherlocks.

19. Looking young has its advantages. Such as being bought my train ticket home because someone at Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof thought I was a lost school girl. Even if my ego took a blow, my purse didn't... ON THE PLUS SIDE!

20. Another lesson that I learnt the hard way: look at maps. Failing to do so resulted in me getting a Metro going in the completely wrong direction because nice-person-who-bought-my-ticket told me to, then having to change trains twice before continuing on the overground line for 14 stops. All on a ticket which was valid for one uninterrupted journey only. ''Schwarzfahren'' is scary, don't do it, kids.

21. Registering as a German resident and opening a bank account and, really, everything that sounded vaguely scary to do was actually fine. Buying a phone, however, required a passport and lots of tariff knowledge and was really rather confusing.

22. German TV remains as cool as ever. Yes, that is an ostrich.

23. I am, contrary to most expectations, actually able to function before 7AM. I do not know whether or not I enjoy this fact or not.

24. German pillows are actually very comfy. (For all Brits who think this is a weird comment, I refer to the fact that the pillows are square and very squishy and do not really resemble British pillows at all).

25. Not being faced with a university reading list for September is an extremely exciting prospect. And a very good excuse to read the sequel to The Devil wears Prada. Goethe, you can wait.

26. Despite my being British and ginger and therefore fairly genetically unequipped for any weather involving either sunshine or warmth, I am slowly feeling the pressure to wear jeans and long sleeves in the blistering heat JUST BECAUSE THE GERMANS DO. Although I am aware that this is potentially completely irrational, I feel as if wrapping up may be the long-lost-secret to dealing with heat. I will keep you updated. And, if it works, shotgun naming the theory.

27. A scarf is an essential accessory. Always. Yes, even in August. Ditto sensible (usually Converse-style) shoes. Regardless of the accompanying outfit.

28. German transport is not always as punctual as one may think. Shocking, I know.

29. Train delays of over an hour can be good as they result in refunds and a free (non-alcoholic) drink. This is especially helpful if you initially paid an extortionary amount for your long-distance train ticket due to having only booked it the day before.

30. 7 hours worth of meetings and parents evenings is a deceptively fun way to spend an evening. I recommend.




auf der falschen Seite- on the wrong side
Super- me friendly petrol
Super Plus- petrol variation #1
Super E10- petrol variation #2
Fest- a glorified gala; think Oktoberfest (but not always with that much beer flowing) crossed with a Christmas market (minus the Christmas theme, but with the Lebkuchen)
grillen- BBQ
Schwarzfahren- to ride public transport without having paid for the relevant ticket