September 2013

1. When I grow up I would really quite like a Mercedes. If this is not possible, I can probably just about compromise and settle for a Bugatti. I see no reason why this is not a perfectly logical ambition for someone whose CV heavily features floor mopping. (Yes, the Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung is to blame for my potential delusion).

2. There is a difference between an ''Automobil'' and an ''Auto''. Namely the price tag.

3. Even the IAA isn't too swanky to employ many a floor mopper.

4. Bleach should be kept away from clothing. Unless, of course, you are purposefully attempting to tie-dye your pyjamas.

5. When recycling bottles it is perhaps advisable to ensure that the bottle is, in fact, empty, before tipping it upside down. Failing to do this results in spending a day at school with a cardigan smelling of (albeit alcohol-free) beer.

6. The flies in the car park are mosquitoes, do not smile at them and then leave the car door open for them to have a new playground. They will bite you. Lots.

7. Hornets actually exist and they are big and scary. Ok, maybe I did [just about] know that they existed, but in, like, Narnia, not in Germany of all places. Ditto wild boars.

8. There are a lot of things that I would rather do than attempt to drive a car with the steering wheel located on the right-hand side into a car park where the barrier is operated from the left-hand side. Oddly, though, whilst my undignified flailing/ falling out of the passenger side window at said car park barriers is not the slightest bit amusing to me, others seem to disagree.

9. Those funny-litter-picking-stick-things are not easily available for purchase. This is very sad because, up to now, this is the best suggestion I have received for tackling this minor car park barrier issue of mine.

10. There are certain situations which one should not have to deal with before 10AM. Entering a multi-storey car park (tackling the barrier on the way in, ''natürlich'') to discover that you do not have any money whatsoever and that the only option (other than using the 75 cent profit that could have been gained from collecting the ''Pfandflaschen'' residing in the car) is therefore to drive VERY QUICKLY out of the car park again (hello, barrier #2) is one of them.

11. Having a concerned driver follow you into a petrol station and, in very broken English, ask if you are really certain that you are legally old enough to drive in Germany is slightly awkward.

12. What the ''Ampelmann'' says goes. When in Germany one does not jaywalk. Even if there are no cars coming. Thank you, pedestrian-waiting-at-the-traffic-lights-on-my-drive-to-school for demonstrating this lesson so perfectly when I drove past 5 minutes later to you, still, waiting patiently on the pavement.

13. If I ever need to drive up/ down a metal ramp with a  80% incline, a Land Rover [rather perilously] fits the bill.

13. ''Na'' is the best German word ever invented and saves the immense effort involved in ever having to say ''wie geht's'' before 7AM.

14. Ditto ''gell'' and ''ne'' if you ever can't quite be bothered to change the intonation of your voice when trying to ask a question.

15. If you want to buy tights, with the widest tight selection I have ever seen, Germany is by far the place to do so.

16. Whilst the German workplace dress code does slightly struggle to set me apart from your average Year 9, I have easily become used to this whole wear-your-jeans-to-work thing. So much so that, being the rebellious Brit that I am, I have had to acquire more jeans.

17. There are not many gingers in Germany. A fact which was proven by checkout-man-at-my-regular-petrol-station who, after attempting to charge me €100 just to see my reaction, proceeded to shout VERY LOUD chat-up lines after me and over the heads of a queue of unsuspecting customers as I left, just because my hair was ''so schön''. It's only ginger, mate, it's not that exciting.

18. Germany has done the impossible and invented walkable-innable-heels. I should be restrained from shops which sell these in the future. Two pairs of new shoes in the space of a week (three, if you include ''Hausschuhe'' ) is a tad excessive, even for you, Jennifer.

19. The ''Hausmeister'' has all of the power. As do I now that I possess keys for the school and a pigeon hole.

20. Germany appears to have the same relationship to ''Schlager'' as we do to One Direction; whilst we moan and groan at the mere mention of them, most of us know every word.

21. Courtesy of the rather cool guy with the hat on the right, I now know how to make coal. Should this ever be a skill that you need, just remember, I'm your person. All I need is a tent, lots of wood, a spot in the forest to build my 4m wide mud hut and approximately fourteen days. Easy stuff.  

22. Checking for upcoming concerts is procrastination time well spent. Front row for seeing the fave band in a hall with a capacity of 1000 isn't too shoddy when you consider that they had sold out two nights at both the MEN Arena and Wembley the following week.

23. The quirks of rural Germany never cease to be beaut. The town news (''Dorffunk'') being broadcast over tannoys attached to the side of houses is my current fave.

24. Nothing smells as good as the ''Kamin'' being on.

25. Getting wood for the ''Kamin'' is called ''Holzaktion'' for a reason. And is a very fun and price-efficient alternative to a gym membership.

26. Teaching prepositions to a class of 9 year olds becomes drastically more interesting for them when it involves the use of a cuddly toy. That said, though, there have been occasions upon which I have felt slightly more sophisticated than during the hours which I spent sitting in the staff room sharing my chair with a giant teddy.

27. Surprisingly, England appears to have a wider selection of ''Joghurt mit der Ecke'' than Germany.

28. Tractors are big.  

29. 13 year olds make far better hair dressers than their age may suggest.

30. Birthdays are kind of a big deal.

31. You cannot buy party poppers in Germany. This, therefore, makes them VERY EXCITING. Ditto Christmas Crackers.

32. After having been here for a month already, the length of time when it is acceptable to buy a different Ritter Sport in every shop I enter, just because they ''don't have them in England'' has probably passed.

33. The high-5 dominates the German badminton scene. No more of this tame, British, hand-shaking stuff.

34. Live basketball is ''sehr spannend''.

35. German mathematical symbols are not the same as English mathematical symbols. While I do, perhaps surprisingly, still have a grasp upon Year 8 linear equations, doing these using what feels like a different alphabet is definitely keeping my grey matter well exercised.

36. Checkouts at German supermarkets are operated at the SPEED OF LIGHT. There is not time for any of this polite-British-chat-to-the-cashier-business. Just throw the stuff into a bag. Any bag. In fact, anything vaguely resembling a bag. And pay. Quickly. You have been warned, my friends, you have been warned.

37. My English film knowledge is shocking. Yes, I have now seen Spiderman. No, I haven't quite yet got around to watching Titanic.

38. Germany could really do with a Great British Bake Off equivalent. The new ''Kocharena''  (''Grill den Henssler'') will do for now, though. There's really nothing better than a good ol' beetroot-soup-making-competition.

39. Being able to function before 8AM appears to really be a skill that you need here. And it is one that I have now got NAILED, with my morning routine now operating with a down-to-the-minute-precision. Unfortunately, this morning ninja-ness appears to be at the expense of my previous night-owl-ness, and, come 10PM, some serious zzzzzzzzzzzzz's are needed.

40. We Brits actually really do talk about the weather a lot. So much so that I have to really restrain myself from making instinctive comments about how cold/ warm I am during awkward silences.




Automobil- a vehicle well out of the price range of a teaching assistant
Auto- a car well suited to humble teaching assistants such as myself
natürlich- of course
Pfandflaschen- bottles yet to have been returned to the shop in exchange for money back
Ampelmann- the green/ red traffic light man
na- how are you?
wie geht's?- how are you?
gell- ...right?
ne- ...right?
so schön- so beautiful
Hausschuhe- footwear worn around the house (think Birkenstock, or similar, shoes)
Hausmeister- caretaker
Schlager-  that kind of cheesy country music genre often so well represented during the Eurovision Song Contest
Dorffunk- local news, transmitted via speakers positioned around the village
Kamin- fireplace
Holzaktion- the act of chopping up trees in the forest, heaving the logs onto a trailer and driving them back to the house (this is then repeated many times until the pile in the forest is no more)
Joghurt mit der Ecke- Müller corner
sehr spannend- very exciting
Kocharena (Grill den Henssler)- cooking show featuring Steffen Henssler and his vaguely-famous-guests engaging in various culinary challenges

August 2013

1. Car ignitions and spark plugs simultaneously breaking results in a terrifying hour spent crawling along the Belgian motorway at a maximum speed of 42 miles per hour.

2. Driving at 42 miles per hour on the Belgian motorway annoys even the slowest of lorry drivers.

3. Just in case you ever need them, I would wholeheartedly recommend the breakdown services on the ring road outside Brussels. Our driver spoke 5 languages fluently and we were back on our way within 3 hours. Not to mention the fact that he had an encyclopaedic knowledge of Fawlty Towers.

4. As fun as having a car towed away actually is, there are probably more fun ways to pass time than sitting in a Ford Garage reading Beauty and the Beast in Flemmish and watching an overdubbed American series on fishing for tuna.

5. The German breakdown services are also highly efficient. Yes, I did experience being towed away twice in a week. No, it (luckily) wasn't the same car.

6. Whilst driving on the wrong side of the road is actually not so bad (with the exception of overtaking, which leaves me extremely tempted to continue on the left...!), the admin associated with having an English car in Germany is. I currently possess 5 Green Cards. I repeat, 5.

7. Having a car with the wheel ''auf der falschen Seite'' appears to be a constant source of novelty for all Germans who I encounter.

8. Getting stopped by the police in the pitch black on a country road is really quite scary. Even if I did know that I was neither a). speeding b). drunk nor c). an escaped criminal. Admittedly, the expression on the policeman's face when he looked in through the left hand window and saw no driver was, however, minorly hysterical.

9. Petrol is confusing and there are too many unleaded options. My car needs ''Super''. The fact that there is also ''Super Plus'' and ''Super E10'' petrol has resulted in my becoming extremely paranoid with regards to filling up.

10. I am too British and need to learn to man up and not leave a miniscule amount in the bottom of bottles of water on the dinner table for fear of mortally offending anyone. The Germans find this rather a strange habit.

11. Ditto the last slice of bread/ the last biscuit/ the last few crisps.

12. The same applies to this overly-polite-carefully-worded-question-formulating-beating-around-the-bush British habit that I appear to have. Just spit it out, woman.

13. Saying what you mean, whilst a foreign concept to me and many Brits, is actually surprisingly effective and I am now debating whether this forms the basis for all of this German efficiency malarkey that we so often hear about.

14. I cannot find an English explanation that sufficiently describes a German ''Fest''.

15. The Germans do ''grillen'' better than anyone.

16. Ditto sausages.

17. Ditto sweets. The Viba Nougatstange (basically a stick of Nutella) is the best invention since Cadbury Dairy Milk. In fact, just ditto most foods. Germany, you have got it right in the food department. England, sort it out.

18. I can now do a front flip. Unfortunately, during the process of learning to do this, I have split my lip open and acquired an extremely blue (and potentially broken) nose and swollen knee. You do the detective work, my little Sherlocks.

19. Looking young has its advantages. Such as being bought my train ticket home because someone at Frankfurt Hauptbahnhof thought I was a lost school girl. Even if my ego took a blow, my purse didn't... ON THE PLUS SIDE!

20. Another lesson that I learnt the hard way: look at maps. Failing to do so resulted in me getting a Metro going in the completely wrong direction because nice-person-who-bought-my-ticket told me to, then having to change trains twice before continuing on the overground line for 14 stops. All on a ticket which was valid for one uninterrupted journey only. ''Schwarzfahren'' is scary, don't do it, kids.

21. Registering as a German resident and opening a bank account and, really, everything that sounded vaguely scary to do was actually fine. Buying a phone, however, required a passport and lots of tariff knowledge and was really rather confusing.

22. German TV remains as cool as ever. Yes, that is an ostrich.

23. I am, contrary to most expectations, actually able to function before 7AM. I do not know whether or not I enjoy this fact or not.

24. German pillows are actually very comfy. (For all Brits who think this is a weird comment, I refer to the fact that the pillows are square and very squishy and do not really resemble British pillows at all).

25. Not being faced with a university reading list for September is an extremely exciting prospect. And a very good excuse to read the sequel to The Devil wears Prada. Goethe, you can wait.

26. Despite my being British and ginger and therefore fairly genetically unequipped for any weather involving either sunshine or warmth, I am slowly feeling the pressure to wear jeans and long sleeves in the blistering heat JUST BECAUSE THE GERMANS DO. Although I am aware that this is potentially completely irrational, I feel as if wrapping up may be the long-lost-secret to dealing with heat. I will keep you updated. And, if it works, shotgun naming the theory.

27. A scarf is an essential accessory. Always. Yes, even in August. Ditto sensible (usually Converse-style) shoes. Regardless of the accompanying outfit.

28. German transport is not always as punctual as one may think. Shocking, I know.

29. Train delays of over an hour can be good as they result in refunds and a free (non-alcoholic) drink. This is especially helpful if you initially paid an extortionary amount for your long-distance train ticket due to having only booked it the day before.

30. 7 hours worth of meetings and parents evenings is a deceptively fun way to spend an evening. I recommend.




auf der falschen Seite- on the wrong side
Super- me friendly petrol
Super Plus- petrol variation #1
Super E10- petrol variation #2
Fest- a glorified gala; think Oktoberfest (but not always with that much beer flowing) crossed with a Christmas market (minus the Christmas theme, but with the Lebkuchen)
grillen- BBQ
Schwarzfahren- to ride public transport without having paid for the relevant ticket